Guest Column:Parents Be Warned: Don’t Abdicate Your Responsibility

Parents who work very hard to provide and guide their teens to become successful, happy, and productive know that parenting is very challenging and taxing. As a former high school administrator, I have seen many a mom and dad beam with pride at their teen’s success and graduation against challenging and tempting odds. And I have seen the pain and sorrow of failure on the faces of parents and students. And frankly, I much prefer dealing with the first, but as a professional educator my commitment is to help the latter.

Statistics show that teens continue to engage in out of wedlock sex, juvenile delinquency, gang activity, drug use and other behaviors such as violence, poor achievement, and lack of motivation, truancy and separation from school (dropping out) without graduation. Dismal as the picture may appear, however, most teen problems are neither hopeless nor incurable. A major reason why teen problems appear to be getting worse is because some parents and adults allow them to get worse by closing their eyes, mouths, and ears. Adults can do something to stop this tragic cycle of loss and failure if they choose to become proactive, take a stand, stick to basic expectations, values, ideals, and consequences.

Let me hasten and add that I am not writing about the vast majority of teens, but about the minority which tarnish the image of youth and saps the resources of schools and society. The overwhelming majority of teens are healthy, wholesome, normal, bright, and a joy to know. They are respectful, motivated, honest, follow rules, have a sense of direction, and are on track to become happy and productive adults.

As for the minority of students in question, parents and adults have a challenging responsibility to maintain hope and to demand that teens uphold acceptable behavior, personal responsibility, and social values. Teens that choose to violate acceptable rules of conduct and behavior should receive appropriate guidance and discipline. Teens should be dealt with in a firm, understanding, respectful, and compassionate manner. The following suggestions are neither exhaustive nor complete, but they may serve as a starting point for parents.

To deal with teens, parents need to have hope and a firm but positive attitude. Hope means never to give up. Unless hope is alive and well, hopelessness takes over and teen problems increase and become permanent. Hope stimulates, motivates, uplifts the soul, opens communication, surmounts failure, and gives one power and strength.

Another ingredient for parents to deal with teens is to provide discipline and direction with clear rewards and consequences. Parents should not forget that they are responsible for imposing discipline, establishing standards of conduct, and demanding that teens adhere to them. There must be a balance of power and trust in the relation. In order for parents to be effective they need to clarify their responsibility, reaffirm their own acceptable values, morals, behaviors, and to communicate those standards and expectations clearly to their teen. Parents have many powerful tools for consequences including spending money, dating, and the use of a car, cell phone, DVD player, computer, and other gadgets and conveniences essential to teens.

A third area that most parents need to keep in mind is teen peer pressure and its consequences. Teens will try any approach, use any argument or excuse to get their way or get out of paying the consequence for their wayward actions. Teens go through a period where they live “on the edge,” declare their independence, and test the limits of how far they can go. And teens can be masters of manipulation. They manipulate their parents, teachers, judges, clergy, police, social workers, and any other person willing to listen. Some develop a well-rehearsed approach to systematically and meticulously dismantle and break down adult resistance. Parents need to stand firm and not become soft-hearted saps when it comes to teens paying the consequence. Once you break down, it is easier to break down again and by doing so you lose respect and credibility.

The most common defense teens use is to say that “everyone else does it.” Adults know that this excuse is bogus since the overwhelming majority of teens “do not do it.” Parents should not be afraid to say that “those who do” should not be the role models that their kids follow.

And somewhat sadly, some parents have a tendency to defend their teens by shifting blame on others. They refuse to acknowledge personal responsibility, and they are quick to become defensive and make excuses for themselves and their teen’s failures. To those parents, it is always someone else’s fault that son or daughter is in trouble. It’s the school and teachers, the father who skipped out, the drunken mother, the justice system, the diet, or some other person or reason. These parents have lost hope and are frustrated, harassed, and intimidated by their children to the point of surrender. They refuse to take a stand against whiny, demanding, immature, and spoiled children. Instead, they take the road of least resistance, close their eyes, ears, mouth, and minds, and pretend that the problems are not their responsibility and will somehow disappear. They don’t. Parents: Don’t throw in the towel and abdicate your responsibility.

Chuck Sambar is a member of the Glendale Unified School District Board of Education.