I really tried to ignore all the banter regarding Kim Kardashian's quixotic quest to become mayor of Glendale. After all, anyone with even the slightest knowledge of how Glendale functions understands that one does not run for mayor.
In order to be mayor, you get elected to the City Council. Then you get selected by your peers to serve as mayor for 12 months.
It's not so much the aforementioned process that will keep Kardashian from achieving her latest notion, but most likely the fact that it would require a one-year commitment that would send her into apoplectic shock. I make this assumption based on her recent marital record. As a politician, she's going to have to get used to the scrutiny.
That said, it would appear she is already getting a helping hand from those within Glendale's political circle. Councilman Ara Najarian said he has offered Kardashian the position of “honorary chief of staff” to give her a crash course on city matters.
First off, if Najarian is giving away fictional government positions, I would like to be appointed Glendale's “Czar of Snarky Rebuttals.”
As such, my first official duty would be to let all of my fellow citizens know that I've devised a simple plan to help Kardashian ascend to Glendale's highest political seat without anyone having to waste time and effort rewriting any of those pesky civic bylaws. That will only hinder things.
Assuming Kardashian takes the place of Laura Friedman as our sole female elected civic representative, all we have to do is replace every other male member of the City Council with individuals whose ideals and grasp on reality is as equally “imaginative” as that of our would-be celebrity mayor. After that, they can vote each other in and out of the mayor's seat at their discretion, whim or manic episode, whichever comes first.
I mean no offense to our esteemed council members currently in office. While I may not always agree with you, I do believe you are doing your best. But these days, celebrity soundbites transcend earnest effort, so I'm afraid as fictional Czar, I must ask you to relinquish your seats to the following individuals immediately.
If Kardashian wants to be mayor, we need to level the playing field in the council so her appointment looks completely rational. In other words, we need to ride this train all the way into Cuckoo Bananas Town.
I hereby recommend Newt Gingrich take Dave Weaver's place as soon as possible. Anyone whose presidential campaign included a promise that America will have the first permanent base on the moon by his second term certainly deserves a spot next to Kardashian.
And while I do admire Najarian's ability to offer up a crash course on city matters, it simply isn't unrealistic enough. For his seat, I'm thinking Charlie Sheen deserves a spot on this newly hatched leadership committee. He's a self proclaimed rock star from Mars. What other qualification does one need on this dais?
Mayor Frank Quintero? Sorry. I'm giving his spot to Donald Trump. Not for anything egregious he has said or done, although there are plenty of examples. No. We need his hair to act as a distraction in City Hall when Kardashian shows up for council sessions in a dress whose neckline plunges all the way to Burbank. That's what we call a real balance of power.
That leaves only Rafi Manoukian's spot to fill. I'm torn between giving this last seat to Mel Gibson or to Gary Busey. Mel Gibson certainly has a knack for alienating large groups of people with very little effort. But ultimately, I'd prefer mischief over mayhem, so I'm going with Busey. Although I could live to regret that.
As I recall, he threatened to pull a reporter's endocrine system out of her body. I can only hope he knows the difference between a reporter and a columnist.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen of Glendale, our new City Council — a hand-picked, well-suited group to help Kardashian look stellar in her new position.
GARY HUERTA is a Glendale resident and author. He is currently working on his second novel and the second half of his life. Gary may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.