Unclassified Info: Are you there God? It’s me, Gary

Dear God,

You’re probably wondering why I never reach out to you. Come to think of it, being divine and all, I’m sure you know the truth. I’ve been distant because of the image your more devout followers have painted.

No offense, God, but those at the top of your command have made you out to be pretty closed-minded. If I am to believe those who claim to be closest to you — I’m talking about the gang in the funny hats and robes — you have no tolerance for alternative lifestyles, and you love doling out eternal penalties for making mistakes.

Let’s face facts: If being loved by you and gaining admission into your heaven relies on my worshiping you, I’d say there might be an ego problem.

Seriously, if you were a guy at Starbucks, I’d most likely go out of my way to avoid you. Sadly, this is the God many have made you out to be — someone I’d rather not speak to.

Personally speaking, I don’t believe for one minute that is the real you. You are not prejudiced, vengeful, petty and exclusive. Those are the failings of man. Ironically, we seem prone to project our worst traits onto you.

I think the real you is an absolute divine being, incapable of prejudice and hatred. You love our contrasting ways and celebrate our differences. This is the version of you I communicate with.

Unfortunately, the negative projections have made you quite real — so real that your most ardent followers blindly follow that image, regardless of whether it is right or wrong by most other standards. They hate, and often kill, in your name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that other religions do the same in the name of their gods, but I’ve never personally spoken to them, so I’m writing you first. I suppose if I don’t hear back, I’ll see if I can get hold of the Mormon God, although I’m not exactly sure where to find him. He hangs on a planet near a star called Kolab, right?

So why reach out to you now? Because your followers are facilitating an incongruous and perilous situation down here. This little planet you created is about to reach capacity. We will soon have 7 billion people walking around, looking for food, water and shelter.

Your upper-management followers continue to vigorously preach that you do not endorse birth control. Frankly, much of this rhetoric, which they claim is your word, is hindering everyone else’s effort to supply adequate family planning to areas that could sorely use it. Keeping this from your poorest followers only perpetuates suffering and creates even greater burdens on dwindling food, water and medical supplies.

It seems odd that you would not be in favor of reducing suffering and helping our planet survive. While I haven’t traveled the universe, I’m sure Earth is one of your more beautiful pieces of work. Saying you want to perpetuate a philosophy that will destroy it is like saying Michelangelo wishes he could destroy the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling. It’s nonsensical.

And just in case you are considering alternatives to destroying it, you should know the old ways of controlling the population with floods and other cataclysmic events aren’t necessary. We have simple and effective means to control our own numbers. We just need help getting the ideology out of the way.

So what do you think? Can you come down and deliver some kind of message yourself? You can’t rely on your spin doctors anymore. By all appearances, they seem to be corrupted. They are human, after all.

I’d just like to remind you that most of your followers are innocent, and they truly believe in you because they hope for something better. Perhaps they’d get that wish if they heard from the real you — the one who really cares — and not from the current public relations men running the show.

They’ve spun things way out of control. They are not helping your flock.

I guess that’s about it. You take care of yourself, and if there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. One last thing: If you do come down and you want to grab a drink, let me know. I’d like to ask you a few things about the women you invented. They are really difficult to understand.

GARY HUERTA may be reached at gh@garyhuerta.com.