A Word, Please: Working to fix the convoluted infrastructure of empty sentences

As a copy editor, it’s my job to correct errors in grammar, punctuation and spelling. And I do. But the biggest problem I see in the marketing pieces I edit isn’t subject-verb agreement or apostrophe abuse or “forego” in place of “forgo.” It’s empty sentences.

Marketing copy is especially prone to empty sentences. The writer is trying to convince you to buy something. But he can’t say, “Just buy this thing.” He must build a case — show you why some product or service or idea is worth your money or time. And that’s where writers can fall short, stringing together words that, instead of giving the reader real information, say nothing more than “Blah, blah, blah, buy this thing we’re selling.”

A passive reader just hears the “blah blah.” A close reader homes in on the meaninglessness at the heart of the sentence. Either way, the writer fails.

Here, slightly disguised, are some real examples of empty sentences I’ve come across recently.

The strength of investor, developer and tenant demand for retail space was strong in 2021. There are a couple things to dislike about this sentence, but pare it down and you’ll see that the basic subject is “the strength” and the predicate is “is strong.” The reader already knows strength is strong. You can fix this one easily by chopping off the first three words of the sentence.

The fear of saying something that might upset the grieving family may make you feel uncomfortable. Got that? Fear, an innately uncomfortable feeling, may make you feel uncomfortable. This sentence needs an overhaul. Start by asking whether “fear” makes a good subject. It does not because you’re not really making a point about fear, so you have nothing to say in the predicate. The issue isn’t what fear does. It’s the fear itself. So make that the point: “You fear you’ll say something that might upset the grieving family.”

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The proposed rule change is beneficial because it minimizes the effect of the municipality’s efforts to the contribution of stormwater pollutants into receiving waters. What? I think this writer was trying to say a proposed rule is good because it builds on something the city is doing. But somewhere in the convoluted language, the writer suggested the opposite meaning: that the proposed rule “minimizes” the city’s clean-water efforts. There’s no way to fix this without asking what the writer intended. But chances are he meant “because it complements the city’s efforts to reduce stormwater pollutants.”

There is no need to have filler content that does not necessarily help make the product better. This advertorial was about hemp-based products that promote relaxation. The writer was talking about competitors’ products that contain fillers. “There is no need” tells us fillers are superfluous.” “Filler” is already understood to be superfluous. “Content” is itself superfluous. And that part about fillers not making the product better basically says, again, that the superfluous things known as fillers are, in fact, superfluous. Solution: Chop the whole sentence, which itself is just filler, and say elsewhere that the products you’re selling contain no fillers.

Dual advisement for students has already been initiated and allows students to simultaneously work with a BSU adviser for their computer science associate’s degree and an SMSU adviser to prepare them for the IT program. To say I dislike this sentence would be an understatement. “Advisement” alone is just brain-numbing noise. Add that to the passive “has already been initiated” and this sentence is off to a terrible start. But when you get to the point, the whole sentence goes bust: dual advisement allows students to be dually advised. Duh. Just get rid of that first part and say, “Students can work with a BSU adviser for their associate’s degree at the same time they’re working with an SMSU adviser to prepare for the IT program.”

June Casagrande is the author of “The Joy of Syntax: A Simple Guide to All the Grammar You Know You Should Know.” She can be reached at JuneTCN@aol.com.

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