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Brooks: Life rarely follows our preferred path

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One month ago, my boyfriend proposed to me. We plan to marry in November.

It is an odd thing to be planning a wedding while friends around us are starting divorce proceedings. It makes me wonder if I’m being stupid.

I had gotten pretty good at being single — independent, driven, solid group of friends, supportive family. In some ways I had everything I needed. Then I fell in love. Or it sneaked up on me or chased me down or something.

But it happened: This man, who is better for me than the one I dreamed up in my head, came after me and I saw how we could be better together than separate. I saw in him a way of being that I long for, one who enjoys life and is deeply compassionate and not afraid to stand up to misplaced strength. We are great together.

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But didn’t those other couples think that too?

My friend texted me recently that her husband just spent all their savings to buy a boat so he could move out.

I spent the morning mulling over invitation wording. How does one get from where I am to where she is? Or rather, how does one avoid getting there?

Maybe a more important question right now is how do I support my friend when we are standing in such different places?

My gut answer was to get over my fear — my fear of going down the same path, my fear of offending her in my joy, my fear of not knowing what to say. I needed to get over it and be her friend.

So I am getting married and my friend’s marriage is falling apart. My mom would tell me, “Deal with it.”

A classmate from Estancia High School has a blog (ohleona.org) that highlights the differences between where we are in life versus where we thought we would be.

In reading it I see that very few people are where they thought they would be. I did not think I would be getting married at 37. I know that my friend did not think she would be ending a marriage at 37. And yet here we are.

Dealing with it.

Maybe the best way to deal with our differing situations is actually quite similar. I read that gratitude cultivates trust. As I learn to trust my fiance more deeply than has ever been required of me, I am practicing gratitude.

Most days I can be grateful for the ways he is different from me. I am grateful for the friends and family around us. I give thanks for a home and job. The recognition of these gifts helps me trust that the future will be all right too.

I see my friend struggling in this same practice of gratitude, recognizing the support around her. Giving thanks to God for her children and being grateful for her work.

In a season when all we have to fear is shouting loudly from campaign trails and our own hearts, perhaps recognizing the good gifts we have will lead us in a way of peace.

CRISSY BROOKS is co-founder and executive director of Mika Community Development Corp., a faith-based nonprofit in Costa Mesa, where she lives.

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