Taking an inventory of the weird

Think of it as spring cleaning. OK, fall cleaning.

Is there anything more entertaining than weird news? I think not.

Lately, the weird news file has grown too thick to ignore, and we

have fallen way behind vis-a-vis our responsibility to bring you all

the news that’s fit to be strange.

So many stories, so little time. Let’s get busy.

Public service is hard. Just ask Yvonne Lamanna, 58, a Penn Hills,

Pa., city councilwoman, who filed a workers’ compensation claim

against Penn Hills for a severe back injury she said she received

when she took her seat at a council meeting.

In Austin, Texas, Evelyn Davison, 74, is suing her neighbors for

not putting away their garbage can on trash day. Ms. Davison said she

found the neighbors’ empty trashcan in her driveway, a common

occurrence, and was trying to move it next door when she fell into it

head first and was seriously injured.

Jenell Casarez of Minnesota is suing Amy and David Klema; Ms.

Casarez would probably understand Ms. Davison’s situation completely.

During a long evening at the Klema home in which large amounts of

alcohol were consumed, Ms. Casarez found herself in immediate need of

a restroom, but Mr. Klema was using the only one available. Ms. Klema

suggested that Ms. Casarez try the concrete laundry tub in the

basement, for which there was no waiting. Ms. Casarez did so, but

after positioning herself on the tub, it tipped over and, Ms. Casarez

claims, crushed her fingertips. Ms. Casarez and the Klema’s are no

longer on good terms.

Mayor Bill Bunten of Topeka, Kan., will probably never buy another

Hallmark card, even when he does care enough to send the very best. A

tongue-in-cheek birthday card from Hallmark, titled “CSI: Topeka,”

shows two crime scene investigators standing over a dead body. The

caption reads, “Looks like he was bored to death.”

Mayor Bunten was not amused.

“I find it offensive,” Bunten told the Topeka Capital-Journal.

“It’s probably drawn by someone from West Virginia who hasn’t been

here.”

Pope Benedict XVI wasn’t trying to offend anyone when he visited

the cardiology ward of a children’s hospital near the Vatican on

Friday. Everyone was delighted to see the pontiff and to receive his

blessing -- everyone except one 7-year old patient.

According to Reuters, when the pontiff approached his bed, the boy

started screaming and gesturing for the pope to stay away.

“It’s the white,” a nurse quickly told Pope Benedict XVI. “He

can’t take any more of these white coats.”

Panda bears don’t mind people in white, as long as there’s a

little black thrown in. If you think affairs of the heart are

complicated for people, try being a panda.

Zookeepers in Japan and Mexico have been trying for years to get

two of their respective giant pandas to start, well, going together.

Last spring, Japan’s star panda, a 20-year old male named Ling Ling,

made the long trek from Tokyo’s Ueno Zoo to the Mexico City Zoo.

Everyone hoped he would hit it off with a certain slightly overweight

but very cute 18-year-old panda named Shuan Shuan, one of Mexico’s

three female giant pandas. A 20-year old guy, an 18-year old girl,

the whole place to themselves, and all the bamboo leaves you can eat.

Can you feel the love?

Maybe, but Ling Ling and Shuan Shuan didn’t feel a thing.

Talk about a nightmare date. Worse yet, it was Ling Ling’s third

trip to Mexico City, each one a dud.

“This is not cool, dude, not cool,” said Ling Ling when he got

back to Tokyo. “Seventeen hours each way and she doesn’t touch me,

doesn’t even look at me. I am so over this.”

This summer, the experts thought things might work out better if

they sent Shuan Shuan packing to Tokyo. They didn’t.

“He is like totally gross,” said Shuan Shuan when she returned to

Mexico City on Thursday.

Shaun Shaun’s keeper, Joel Frias, told Reuters, “It makes us sad,

but what can we do?”

We hear you, Joel. Pandas -- can’t live with ‘em and can’t live

without ‘em.

Santa Claus may be priceless, but his reindeer run about $5,000

per. That’s what Olavi Niikanoff, a popular Santa impersonator in

Denmark, received from the Danish Air Force for scaring one of

Niikanoff’s reindeer to death.

A Danish F-16 was flying hot and low over the remote area where

Niikanoff lives and the sonic boom was more than one of his reindeer

could take. Like it’s not hard enough pulling the Big Red Guy around

without having to worry about F-16s.

But there are strange things done even when you’re not beneath the

midnight sun.

Swedish vodka Absolut teamed with a British restaurateur to open

its second Ice Bar in London’s West End. Like Absolut’s original Ice

Bar in Sweden and Ice Bar 2 in Milano, everything in the joint --

walls, furniture, even the glasses -- are made of ice and kept at a

cozy 23 degrees below zero.

Everything has to be repaired and replaced constantly as the

customers’ body heat takes it toll on the furniture and glasses. Not

to worry though. The cover charge of about twenty-two bucks includes

a thermal cape and gloves.

None of which answers perhaps the biggest question about building

an entire bar out of ice: Why?

I guess it’s because no matter how weird you think the world and

the people in it are, they are weirder than that.

Finally, if you think Evelyn Davison and Jenell Casarez are

accident-prone, you haven’t met Chris Hackett, 33, a New York

performance artist who describes himself as an “artist-bomb maker.”

In this year’s program of Sept. 11 remembrances, the Lower

Manhattan Cultural Council turned down Hackett’s offer to perform one

of his works, which included a prop that looked like a bomb but, he

assured them, wouldn’t explode. The cultural council apparently

remembered one of Hackett’s 2004 works in which he was badly burned

when a propane tank he had hooked up to a confetti cannon exploded --

a painful reminder that just because something blows up doesn’t mean

it’s art.

So there you have it.

I hope Evelyn’s and Jenell’s swelling goes down; I feel terrible

about the reindeer; I hope Ling Ling and Shuan Shuan can put it back

together; but I do think the mayor of Topeka needs to lighten up.

That “CSI: Topeka” card is pretty funny.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at o7ptrb4@aol.comf7.