SHOWBIZ 7’s: Master Shake’s ways to stay slim

Here in Hollywood staying slim is key. In honor of his new film, which we're pretty sure has little to do with weight-loss, Dr. Master Shake of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force gives us seven tips for keeping the pounds off. (According to his publicist, the following list was compiled with the help by Nick Ingkatanuwat, associate producer of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters," which comes out this Friday).

1. Beef it up! Trash those mashed potatoes, toss that tossed salad - eating tons of beef will make you lose weight! It is a scientific fact that cows hate fat people, and eating their barbecued flesh empowers you with that same fighting spirit. Ever seen a fat cowboy? You haven't. Obese people send cattle into fits of crazed, violent blood lust!
   
   
2. Paint thinner! Say you've had your three Triscuit maximum for the day, and there's a lonely space left in your stomach that still wants food. Open up a can of paint! The thick, satisfying texture of latex semi-gloss is sure to keep those stomach growls at bay. It almost feels like cheating, but it's zero calories!
   
   
3. Stunt double or nothing. If you've just had a baby or put on some chunky for a daring movie role, you're gonna need some time in the shadows to work off that extra weight. Hire a thin, attractive stunt double to do all of your public appearances in the meantime. As long as he/she keeps their pretty mouth shut and knows sign language, no one will know the difference!
   
   
4. Tan till it hurts. Everyone knows that black clothing will make even the largest hog seem like a svelte swine. The same applies to your skin! The darker you are, the more the fat seems to just disappear off your face. Blacken that birthday suit and you'll be the life of the party.
   
   
5. Find a fat friend. Buddy up to someone who is significantly heavier than you. You will look far skinnier in comparison, since obesity is all relative, right? Make sure this person has no life of their own so you can take them wherever you go, like an accessory! And don't feel bad...it's not like ol' fatty would have any friends otherwise.
   
   
6. Move to a different dimension. Instead of trying to come to terms with your fat, go to a dimension where the large are worshipped like gods. I'm sure it exists, and I'm sure a trans-dimensional portal will be invented in your lifetime. Just steer clear of the dimensions where fat people are routinely disemboweled or made into hats.
   
   
7. Breastfeed constantly. Start lactating by any means possible. Then, find something or someone to breast-feed. This is by far the easiest (and most fun) way to shed pounds and make new friends.