‘The Talk’ About Sex Should be Ongoing

It was a typical drive home from school when the topic of sex and relationships came up with my almost 13-year-old daughter. I don’t remember the specifics, but since I’m determined to be an approachable parent, I made a half-hearted attempt to say, “Do you have any questions about sex you’d like to ask me?”

“Mom!” she shrieked. “We don’t need to talk about that. I learned all that stuff at the Robert Crown Center in fifth grade.”Yikes. That’s when I realized I was going to have to make more of an effort to be the initiator. Did she really think that a daylong field trip to learn about puberty at the Hinsdale-based health education center when she was 11 had her covered when it came to sex education?

A lot of parents, probably just as reluctant to bring up this most awkward of parent-child conversations, think they have plenty of time to talk about sex and its consequences. But maybe not.

A recent study on parent-child communication, published in Pediatrics, showed that by the time parents had “the Talk” about sex - why it’s better to wait, and birth control options - more than 40 percent of teens in the sample already were having sex.

The statistics were sobering, but they speak to the struggle felt by many moms and dads on how to broach the topic. When and how should they bring it up? What’s age-appropriate?

Conquering that fear and taking the plunge could actually keep your teen safer. Study after study has shown that teens whose parents have talked to them about sex are more likely to delay their first sexual experience and have sex with fewer people, and are less likely to have unprotected sex.

I turned to Barb Barrett, a health educator at the Robert Crown Center, for advice. Instructors there see thousands of students from 600 schools a year to talk about puberty, pregnancy and the reproductive system. Sex education also is tackled in most school districts.

But parents really need to be part of the puzzle, Barrett said. And they need to realize that talking about sex doesn’t need to be one talk where they awkwardly sit across from their child and discuss reproduction. Don’t wait until your daughter or son is 16 and in a serious relationship, she said.

Talks about values, goals and relationships should begin from the time they are young children. By middle school, the topics should get more specific.

If a racy scene is on TV, don’t immediately turn the channel, she said. Discuss whether it’s realistic. Car rides can be great places for some teens to talk, because eye contact isn’t necessary. Barrett also said some young people are more likely to open up at the end of the day, right before bed.

Factual information about sex is important, but so is encouraging children to think about what kinds of relationships they want, how they think they should be treated and what their goals are, she said.

Dr. Sally Conklin, a professor at Northern Illinois University who teaches aspiring health educators, said parents should focus on being “askable.” There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that talking about sex is awkward, she said, but a negative reaction can deter a child from trying again.

Parents can use the Internet to their advantage, she said. While there obviously is plenty of content that young people shouldn’t see, many sites give information in a teen-friendly way that doesn’t require the parent to study up on reproductive systems. Parents should scout the sites to make sure they are in line with their values, then show their child, she said.

Like my daughter, a preteen or teen may act as though the parent is the last person from whom they want to hear about sex. But for her sake, it looks as though we’re in for many awkward conversations to come.