Th-Th-at’s Not All, Folks

Apparently, just because no one asked for it is no reason not to drastically change a cast of cartoon characters that entertained generations of giggling little Americans with falling anvils and exploding cigars. So in an effort to attract future generations of edgier kids who weren’t demanding change either, the Kids WB network is “re-imagining” Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and others.

According to a recent announcement by Kids WB, which is partly owned by the same corporate character that totally owns this newspaper, come fall a posse of familiar cartoon creatures will be redrawn and living in the year 2772 as crime-fighting superheroes.

This loony Looney Tunes ratings bid got us thinking. With everything changing so quickly nowadays, all that Americans can cling to are ageless cartoon characters who run through the same walls and fall off the same cliffs to the same guffaws every time. What if everyone went around re-imagining everything?

We’d have anarchy in this country’s shared social memory. We’d have Superman and Lois splitting over conflicting careers. We’d have Scrooge McDuck jailed for insider trading, then getting his own reality TV show.

Up next: Mr. Dithers is in assisted living and Dagwood Bumstead is really fired because the new owners never saw him do a lick of work, either. The delusions finally get to Alice in Wonderland, who enters meth rehab. Peter Cottontail goes homeless because Farmer MacGregor’s children sold the land to housing developers.

OSHA closes the Seven Dwarfs’ mine for safety violations. Snow White marries the Prince, but in a cream-colored dress. Yosemite Sam enters an anger management program. Pluto learns to walk on two legs like Goofy, who enrolls at ITT Tech. Both Porky Pig and Donald Duck realize that since they never wear pants anyway, they don’t need to wear towels after showering. Chip ‘n’ Dale are married in a San Francisco civil ceremony. Insurance companies hire Tom and Jerry to give homeowners liability-avoidance tips. Singlehandedly, Richie Rich privatizes Social Security. Dennis the Menace is diagnosed with ADD. Elmer Fudd is awwested wunning through an airport terminal with a shotgun.

With Granny in a retirement home, Sylvester and Tweety open a stunt school. Rex Morgan M.D. beats the sexual harassment charge but closes his office over soaring malpractice insurance premiums to peddle herbal remedies from his SUV. Mary Worth discloses a leather clothing fetish and runs off to write poetry in New Mexico with a biker from Bakersfield.

See the dangers of re-imagining cartoons? If Wile E. Coyote spent half his money on real food instead of spending it all on Acme products, he could eat well and never chase again. But don’t tell him.