Well, folks, this has been quite a ride, hasn't it? (The crowd cheers, sobs, chants "Trump!"). It was almost 17 months ago I rode down that escalator and announced that thousands and thousands of illegal Mexican immigrants are pouring across our border to viciously rape and murder innocent Americans. We've had some fun, haven't we? (Crowd cheers, laughs, chants of "Build the wall!")
Now before I came out here, I called Hillary. (Boos, hisses, bleating of sheep.) Folks, please, I know you're upset. I'm upset. But we have a longstanding tradition in this country: No matter how bitter and nasty the election, once it's over, we accept the will of the millions of dead voters. (Boos, chants of "Lock her up!").
Of course the terribly dishonest and lying media was sure I wouldn't concede the election. Wrong. They are so despicable. Such scum. (Boos, hisses, chants of "CNN sucks!") But the truth is, folks, nobody is more gracious than Trump. I am probably the most gracious person to ever run for president. Congratulations, President Elect Crooked Hillary Clinton. There. How's that for gracious, OK? (Cheers, boos, chants of "Impeach her!")
There are so many people to thank, folks. So many good people. (He removes a folded sheet of paper from his pocket.) Wow, there must be a hundred names here. Oh, wait. Wrong list. These are the people I'm going to sue. (Cheers, laughter, chants of "Litigate!")
I really don't have time to thank everybody. But I do have to mention some very special people, people without whom, none of this could have happened. So thank you, Lyin' Ted, Little Marco, Low Energy Jeb and Carly Fiorina's face. (Cheers)
And of course I want to thank my wonderful family: Melania, Eric, Donald Jr., Ivanka and the other one. (Cheers, applause)
I see a lot of tears on the faces out there. But don't be downhearted. We put up a helluva fight, didn't we? (Cheers, applause) So close. So very close. Just a few million more non-college educated old white men, and instead of giving this speech, I'd be announcing Hillary's inmate number at the Supermax. (Cheers, chants of "USA!")
And don't think this movement is over. We've just gotten started, haven't we? (Cheers, chants of "Alt-right!") But if we're going to win next time, we're going to have to learn how to play in this rigged system, believe me.
And that's why I've created the Trump School of Public Affairs. I'm asking all my supporters, everyone who believes in what we've been doing, to sign up for either the gold, silver or bronze program. Yes, it's very expensive, but a small price to pay to make America great again, am I right? (Cheers, chants of "Second mortgage!") Kellyanne and my surrogates are passing out applications now. Be sure and sign the back where you give up the right to sue. (Cheers, chants of "Fleece us!")
And so my friends, while our campaign may have come to an end, the battle is far from over. In fact, I want to close with a major announcement; the Trump School of Public Affairs is not my only post-rigged-election venture.
On Jan. 20, 2017, at the very moment Crooked Hillary places her hand on the Bible and lies through her teeth about upholding the Constitution, we will be opening an exciting new front in our fight to make America great again: Trumpski TV.
I'm not crazy about the name, but my silent partner insisted. Thank you and goodnight. (Standing ovation and chants of "Trump/Putin 2020!" as Trump ascends the escalator)
Gary Jacobs is a former television comedy writer and producer.