Family Time Puts Penny in His Thoughts

I got to thinking the other day while watching Brad Penny snap -- especially knowing what a great guy he is most of the time, but there he was swinging a bat wildly in the dugout, going crazy and saying bad things later about his boss.

If it could happen to a big old teddy bear like that, it could happen to any of us if the stress became too much, and I’d feel just terrible saying out loud how I really felt about Harvey, the new boss who actually believes he can replace Dwyre.

It’s best that stuff like that never be said, which brings me to this year’s family vacation, and big-time stress.

The wife had the idea it might be good to get everyone away from sports, the TV, the telephone and spend some time together as a family beginning the first of July. There’s no telling the damage Dr. Phil has done to the American family.

I didn’t think it was a good time of year to do something like that, but when I mentioned it to some of the Dodgers and Angels they immediately agreed that I should go away.

So the wife made plans, arranging airfare for the two daughters, the Bagger, the 7-Eleven Kid and the two of us to Denver, to rent a 38-foot-RV, take the scenic route through Nebraska and Iowa to visit relatives in Chicago, who immediately called the police in the hopes they wouldn’t allow us to park the 38-foot-RV in front of their house.

Then on to more odd relatives in Louisville, Ky., back to Denver through the most interesting parts of Kansas, while stopping at campsites along the way.

I will be taking a golfing vacation next week, of course, by myself. I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

*

I’VE NEVER driven a RV of any size, especially one that gets seven miles to the gallon at a time when a shopping trip to Nordstrom by the three women in the house would probably cost less. I’m told trying to back it up will rank right up there with telling the wife she looks like she has put on a few pounds without upsetting her.

I’m also still a little fuzzy about the hoses and the black and gray water that come with the RV, although I’m sure the Bagger will get to the bottom of it, and frankly, I can’t even recall seeing a campground -- except maybe from the window of a Marriott.

If anyone has experience in this kind of torture, I’d appreciate some help.

I know when I mentioned the trip to Donald Sterling, he said, “I’m not a RV-type,” leaving open the possibility, I guess, that our paths could cross in Kansas this summer. For some reason I figure him a “Toto” type.

Someone suggested we try to fund the trip, asking Arte Moreno if he’d be interested in “Los Angeles or Bust” space on the side of the 38-foot-RV.

The Bagger, meanwhile, seemed pretty excited about the whole thing, and said we will be singing songs around the campfire and holding hands, although I’m guessing that’s not legal in Nebraska.

Miss Radio Personality said we’ll go fishing, and the Bagger interrupted and said he will eat a worm for everyone, and I wonder now how long it will take before I miss Nomar Garciaparra.

Mrs. Bagger bought a bunch of “The Wiggles” DVDs for the 10-month-old granddaughter, and I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Greg, Murray, Anthony and Jeff in action, but picture Rex Hudler singing and dancing after chugging a six-pack of Red Bull.

The granddaughter whines until the same song is played over and over again, so I like the family’s chances of setting the record for consecutive replays of “Wiggle Around the Clock” while driving in Nebraska between Ogallala and Gretna. In a way, I guess, Hudler will be joining us on this trip.

Checking the dates, though, we’re going to be Lost in America when it comes time for the final World Cup soccer match, and I hate the idea of missing that goal. Miss Radio Personality also seems to be balking at the idea of sleeping on the dinette table.

But when I suggested running another contest to find her a companion for the trip, she curled up into a ball -- to show me, I guess, she’ll fit just fine on the dinette table.

“All that matters, is that we’ll all be together for two solid weeks as a family,” the wife said, and now I understand how a swell guy like Penny could just snap.

*

WELL-WISHERS continue to send letters to Barbaro urging the horse to get better, but you know how tough it is to answer every letter. Maybe when he feels a little better.

*

THIS YEAR’S NFL 101/201 confab July 13 at the Grand Ballroom at Hollywood & Highland, another Los Angeles Sports & Entertainment extravaganza, will feature Reggie Bush, Willie McGinest, Rodney Peete and Sean Salisbury, which is surprising because you’d think there’d be a bigger demand for folks from UCLA since the Bruins have the longest winning streak in town.

To complain, contact Cindy Johnson at cjohnson@lasec.us. She attended UCLA, and probably won’t be too crazy about taking calls all day from USC folks wanting to attend the event.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Jason Horwood:

“So, when all is said and done, and Kobe is considered the greatest to play the game, are you going to lie to yourself and say proudly, ‘Yes, I was there and a witness to it?’ Or, are you going to man up and admit you were absolutely miserable during Kobe’s brilliance?”

I’ll get back to you on that; I’m a little busy right now watching Shaq.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.