Andy Richter
The cup of joe could go, but don't touch his Twitter

No mortal has a central nervous system like mine. Jumpy by nature, alarmed by every little noise, I have the nerves of a cheetah. My fuse is always lighted, my heart flits from branch to branch. As a kid, I was banned from zoos for upsetting the primates. So I never should've started drinking coffee. And I never ever should've started up with a smartphone. I am the devil's plaything — at least where those two raw-nerved obsessions are concerned. Coffee turns me into a frantic puppy. When my smartphone rings, I bark. Pavlov's dawg. I quit them both last week because I felt they were getting the best of me. Not cold turkey. More like warm turkey. I lapsed here and...