Nobody Can Win the World Series

The way I look at it, nobody can win the World Series this year.

The Cincinnati Reds can’t win it because nobody repeats in baseball.

The Oakland A’s can’t win it because no American League team has won four consecutive pennants since the 1960-64 Yankees, because Mike Gallego is the second baseman, because Vance Law is the third baseman, because Eric Show is the fourth starter and because Rickey Henderson thinks he’s underpaid and is saying things like, “I can see the same thing happening with this team that happened in New York--unity is such a fragile thing.”

The Pittsburgh Pirates can’t win it because the MVP race between Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla now stands for Most Volatile Pirate--and you know what Rickey Henderson says.

The Toronto Blue Jays can’t win it because replacing everyone in the starting lineup except third baseman Kelly Gruber and catcher Pat Borders is no way to improve team chemistry.

The Dodgers can’t win it because Darryl Strawberry, Brett Butler, Bob Ojeda, Kevin Gross and Gary Carter can’t make Orel Hershiser heal any faster.

The Angels can’t win it because, at 30, they are nearly 10 years younger than Dave Parker and Dave Winfield, because Chuck Finley’s left arm set off alarm sirens in Palm Springs, because someone has to pitch between the sixth and ninth innings, because Gary Gaetti is batting .239 since 1988, because the purpose of an outfield is to field outs and because they’re, well, you know, the Angels.

The Chicago White Sox can’t win it because they can’t tear down Bo Jackson’s old hip and build a new one.

The Kansas City Royals can’t win it because Kirk Gibson is not Bo Jackson, Terry Shumpert is not Frank White and Mark Gubicza is not Mark Gubicza.

The New York Mets can’t win it because third baseman Gregg Jeffries really belongs at second, shortstop Howard Johnson really belongs at third, center fielder Vince Coleman really belongs in left and catcher Charlie O’Brien really belongs in Tidewater.

The San Francisco Giants can’t win it because any team that spends $10 million to sign Bud Black has much bigger problems than the ones in accounting.

The San Diego Padres can’t win it because Jack Clark says so and Jack Clark has never been wrong about anything in his life.

The Baltimore Orioles can’t win it because Houston ran out of players to trade.

The Texas Rangers can’t win it because they have too many Geno Petrallis, Jeff Husons and Steve Buecheles and not enough Nolan Ryans.

The Montreal Expos can’t win it because if they couldn’t win with the team they had 10 years ago (Steve Rogers-Gary Carter-Andre Dawson-Tim Raines-Larry Parrish), they never will.

The Seattle Mariners can’t win it because Ken Griffey, Sr. ran out of offspring.

The Detroit Tigers can’t win it because Cecil Fielder (182 strikeouts in 1990), Rob Deer (186) and Mickey Tettleton (160) are going to give the Windy City a twin city this year.

The Milwaukee Brewers can’t win it because Franklin Stubbs, Willie Randolph, Rick Dempsey, Greg Brock and Candy Maldonado are ex-Dodgers for a reason.

The Atlanta Braves can’t win it because Deion Sanders is no Bo, no matter how hip he thinks he is.

The St. Louis Cardinals can’t win it because the White Rat knows a sinking ship when he sees one.

The Cleveland Indians can’t win it because we all remember what happened the last time John McNamara was given a World Series to manage.

The New York Yankees can’t win it because George Steinbrenner didn’t take any players with him.

The Minnesota Twins can’t win it because they won in 1987 and have been feeling guilty about it ever since.

The Philadelphia Phillies can’t win it because Lenny Dykstra lost two starting pitchers and a second baseman in a poker game.

And the Houston Astros can’t win it because no 50-112 team has ever won a pennant.

That leaves us with the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. The Frick and Frack of postseason disaster. The Cubs haven’t been to a World Series since 1945, haven’t won one since 1908. The Red Sox won a World Series in 1918, waited 49 years to return, then lost in seven games in 1967, lost in seven games in 1975 and lost in seven games in 1986.

These teams shouldn’t be allowed into the same World Series without a road map.

But there they are, toting the heaviest offensive machinery in their respective leagues, ready to turn it loose in the launching pads of Wrigley Field and Fenway Park. Neither team has much pitching, but with George Bell, Jack Clark, Andre Dawson, Ellis Burks, Ryne Sandberg, Mike Greenwell and Mark Grace getting daily tee-off time, it’s not going to matter.

The Cubs will beat the Dodgers in the National League playoffs. The Red Sox will beat the A’s in the American League playoffs.

And then the Cubs and the Red Sox will meet. Oh-for-82-years versus oh-for-72. Shut-Out-Since-Johnny Evers versus Shut-Out-Since-Stuffy McInnis.

The way I look at it, nobody can win the World Series this year.