Keep Calm When Signing Financial Agreement : Divorcing couples can avoid inequities by waiting six months to settle, when emotions are less likely to rule.

Marti Monroe isn’t normally a fearful person, but she suffered a severe panic attack when her marriage ended in divorce nearly five years ago.

For months after her husband announced he was leaving, she worried that she’d end up homeless and hungry. She spent many sleepless nights pouring over financial papers, trying to figure out how much she owed and how much she owned.

She had allowed her husband to take charge of the finances during their long marriage, and hadn’t paid much attention to the details because her family’s needs had always been met.

“I didn’t understand my economic status very well,” says the 49-year-old Huntington Beach resident. “I didn’t know whether I could survive.”

She sold paintings she loved because she thought she needed the money to pay her mortgage. As it turned out, she didn’t. But, she explains, “when you’re in a state of fear, your brain functions at the level of a reptile.”

Fortunately, Monroe didn’t sign anything until she had calmed down enough to think at a higher level. She ended up with what she considers a fair property settlement--and now admits she was never at risk of becoming a “bag lady” as she initially feared.

But she shudders at the thought of what she might have settled for if she had negotiated a financial agreement when her survival instincts were in overdrive and she could think of nothing but getting food on the table and keeping a roof over her head.

As a marriage, family and child counselor practicing in Santa Ana and Huntington Beach, Monroe has seen a number of divorcing men and women in fragile emotional states make the mistakes she and her ex-husband managed to avoid.

“They settle for whatever stops the pain now, “ she says. “And I’ve seen a lot of misuse of money to express anger and resentment.”

So has Victoria Felton-Collins, a certified financial planner in Irvine who has written a book called “Divorce and Money” to help people keep their emotions from interfering with sound financial decisions during the traumatic process of divorce.

The recently published book--co-authored by Violet Woodhouse, a certified financial planner who lives in Costa Mesa--is an exhaustive collection of practical information and advice on how to walk away from a marriage in good financial health.

Although the book is full of charts, work sheets and checklists to help readers evaluate their net worth and divide their debts and assets fairly, Felton-Collins--who has a doctorate in psychology--also points out the common emotional pitfalls that tend to cloud the financial picture.

For example, in one chapter, titled “Emotional Divorce: Managing the Money Crazies,” she explains that “bizarre behavior” related to finances is typical even among those who expect to have a “civilized” divorce because the energy that once went into building the relationship is now being used to destroy it.

“Being prepared for the actions of someone who is determined to cut off any connection to you--by wiping out the checking account, running off to another state or ruining the family’s credit--can help you short circuit potential damage,” Felton-Collins notes.

However, she adds in an interview at her Irvine office, many people going through divorce are too overwhelmed by emotional stress to anticipate what a devious, vengeful spouse might do or to focus on the long-term questions that are vital to their financial future.

Felton-Collins, who is also the author of “Couples and Money,” says she decided to write a handbook on divorce because she’s seen too many clients shortchange themselves in property settlements, which are becoming increasingly complex in a world of changing tax laws, blended families and two-career couples.

Bobbi Nesheim, a psychotherapist who practices in Fullerton and San Clemente, agrees that the intense, volatile emotions inherent in a divorce undermine the efforts of many couples trying to reach a fair financial settlement.

And inequities don’t always result from anger and bitterness. Sometimes, estranged spouses try to be too nice, because they’ve heard too many horror stories about the adversarial process--and they’ve seen it carried to a violent extreme in the film, “The War of the Roses.”

“They get so fair that they don’t protect themselves,” Nesheim says. “They give away the candy store, so to speak. When they start thinking about it, they realize they sold themselves short. Then they get angry, but it’s too late.”

Nesheim recalls one man who ended up strapped financially after giving up almost everything he’d set aside for retirement, including his pension.

“He insisted she take it all because he wanted to be the good guy. Later, he regretted it. Fortunately, his ex-wife realized that he went overboard and agreed to renegotiate.”

Nesheim says she often advises divorcing couples to postpone financial decisions until they can look at the facts with a cool head and see what’s best for them.

Felton-Collins urges clients going through a divorce to put their money in a “parking place” for six months and keep their financial life as simple as possible during the period when their emotions--fear, sadness, guilt, remorse, anger--are most intense.

During the first six months after a divorce is initiated, estranged spouses are especially vulnerable to what Felton-Collins calls “the three gets”--the impulse to “get even,” “get it over with” or “get back together.”

Those who seek revenge usually end up hurting themselves as well as their estranged spouse, Felton-Collins notes. “Any time someone lets anger get in the way, it’s going to cost them money.”

She’s seen vengeful spouses become so secretive about assets that their former partner has to go to court to force the release of information. She’s also seen people express anger by going on spending sprees--with community property assets--and failing to make spousal or child support payments on time.

And she’s seen women who desperately needed spousal support reject it out of anger.

The end result of spiteful actions, Felton-Collins notes, is nearly always legal action that drives up the cost of the divorce.

Those who say, “I don’t care what happens, I just want to get this over with,” usually give up more than they should--and often have regrets later, the financial planner says.

Guilt often plays a major role in the decision to walk away from community property that would be evenly divided in court. Felton-Collins says one man who had been having an affair told his estranged wife: “You can have everything. I don’t care. I just want to get out of this relationship.” However, he changed his mind and negotiated a more equitable settlement after getting “a dose of reality” from his attorney.

Marti Monroe says those who make the first move to end the relationship often feel so guilty that they “don’t treat themselves humanely” when it’s time to divide property.

For example, her ex-husband would take only one sculpture and a bookcase with him when he left. He refused his share of the rest of their belongings. “He started his life all over from scratch. It was a way of punishing himself,” Monroe says.

The impulse to do whatever it takes to “get it over with” grows not only out of guilt, but also out of a lack of knowledge about financial matters, emotional and physical exhaustion and the desire to be free of an intimidating mate, Felton-Collins notes.

She reminds those who feel the urge to “get it over with” that they’ll be living with their financial decisions long after they emerge from the emotional roller coaster of divorce and get their lives back in order.

“This is no time to rush,” she says.

Among Felton-Collins’ clients is a woman who felt compelled to break up her long, unhappy marriage a year ago, but recognized that “my emotions were talking instead of my head” and decided to wait. Gail, who asked to remain anonymous, says “being in therapy helped me slow down and not make fast, impulsive decisions.”

In the past year, she has taken a close look at her marriage and--after consulting with her therapist, financial planner and attorney--she has decided that divorce is the best option for her. For months, she has been setting aside money for living expenses and legal fees. She says she is nearly ready to break the news to her husband and move out.

“I’m very clear about my decision,” she says. “I’m not acting with my emotions. But I almost left without even thinking about how I was going to support myself. I just felt, ‘I can’t do this anymore. I’ve got to get out of here.’ When your emotions are so intense, all reason goes out the window.”

Gail says she has decided to let her attorney do all the negotiating with her husband because she’s never been able to talk to him about money and “we do not have the ability to solve problems.”

She knows she’s still vulnerable, but she plans to rely on such objective experts as her therapist and Felton-Collins to help her recognize when her emotions might be clouding her judgment in financial matters.

Felton-Collins notes that the secret hope of getting back together can be as detrimental to the fairness of a property settlement as the desire to get even or to get it over with.

The person who holds that hope tends to give up power. Felton-Collins recalls one woman who refused to ask tough financial questions of her estranged husband, explaining, “I don’t want to rock the boat. I want to keep the relationship as good as possible.”

However, Felton-Collins points out, “it’s futile to think that if you surrender your financial leverage you can save the relationship. If you and your partner do get back together, your relationship will be much healthier if you are on an equal level financially and emotionally.”

If you must make important financial decisions before you have worked through the initial emotional trauma of divorce, try to approach the process as though you were dissolving a business partnership, Felton-Collins advises.

She suggests that divorcing couples list their assets and rate them according to their importance both financially and emotionally. Pay special attention, she stresses, to the two biggest “hot buttons” in a property settlement: the house and the pension.

Felton-Collins explains: “Many women hold onto the house out of emotions rather than economics because it symbolizes stability and represents a lot of memories.”

However, she adds, selling the house at the time of the divorce and sharing the proceeds may make more sense financially when you consider the cost of maintenance and the tax burden.

Men are more likely to say, “I’ll take the retirement; you take the house,” because they feel protective of their hard-earned pension, Felton-Collins notes.

However, she adds, that may not be a fair trade from a strictly financial point of view.

Preparing your own cost-benefit analysis can help you find a balance between your emotional and financial needs--and “the process of writing it down allows you to see things more clearly,” Felton-Collins says.

At the same time, she suggests, “try to get your emotional needs met by talking to a therapist or friend. Then they won’t interfere with financial decisions.”