Media Sideshow: Ready for Prime-time?

From: JOINT TV NETWORK H.Q.

To: U.S. Army, U.S. Navy, U.S. Marine Corps, etc.

UPDATE: Rules of Media Engagement

Just so we’re all singing off the same song sheet:

1. Bungled military ops will not be reshot. There are no exceptions. TV satellite time is $150,000 per hour, gents.

2. Battle plans and all military ops cleared for prime-time must be submitted to the networks 48 hours in advance of Zero Hour. Your contact is the Network Exec. Producer, Pentagon. He can usually get a Joint Chiefs OK right after lunchtime. (1500 hours E.T.)

3. It is the military’s responsibility not to duplicate anchors’ uniforms, not vice versa. Dan and Tom have been good sports about this so far--but c’mon guys.

4. Once again, the three most important things in our coverage are: location, location, location.

--Overnight Trendexes show 67% of viewers polled associate beaches with Annette Funicello, not Halls of Montezuma. Cliffs? Paradrop? Think visual!

--Same survey shows high confusion between Desert Storm and Renewed Hope. Too much sand? Even “Murder, She Wrote” changes locations once in a while:

--We’re querying State re: fresh locations, e.g. Arctic, mountainous, urban trouble spots likely to blow in time for the next Nielsen sweeps. “Stay tuned!”

5. War isn’t “TV’s Biggest Bloopers.” All military personnel must check in at the network trailer and get official OK’s before entering a live-shoot area. If you’re offshore, wait for the network flare before disembarking your unit(s).

6. To calm any Nervous Nellies out there: Project Live Audience is just that--a project, under test at Camp Pendleton. If we take this concept into the field, audience airlift and support on-site will be a Network expense.

7. It is a Network call as to who says, “After this war, I’m going to Disney World,” and when. Confusion over this last time out probably cost us Schwarzkopf.

8. Re: the endless debate about military insignia-vs.-network logos on senior officers’ headgear, an idea: Let the audience decide! P.S., our surveys show 38% higher unaided awareness of both CBS Eye and NBC Peacock than any Service logo. Nuff sed?

9. Another clarification: We’re not saying Wilford Brimley is a better C-in-C than Schwarzkopf. We are saying the same outfit that surveyed Bud Light and Coors Light preferences report Brimley beats Stormin’ Norman in 6 of 7 key categories, including “Increases Likelihood I’d Tune In to a Military Conflict.”

Network Legal has determined that Brimley’s non-military status can be covered with an on-screen super-disclaimer.

(Brunch to meet Wilford tentative for next Sunday at 11:00 hrs. PST, L.A. Four Seasons. Parade dress only.)

10. Will official spokespersons please get with the program on this critical point:

Don’t say: Hostiles, Enemy, Baddies.

Do say: Freedom-haters. Weapons of Destruction.

On-site Network dialogue writers and coachers are there to help. Use them.

11. The Networks appreciate the military’s interest and enthusiasm, but special musical themes are the province of professionals. Please do not call John Williams direct.

12. Networks retain the right of final cut on all military battles and ops.