Laugh Lines : Jokes
Jay Leno, on Gennifer Flowers hawking taped phone conversations she had with the President:
“$19.95--that’s a lot of money. Especially when you consider that for another two bucks you probably could have had the whole weekend with her. . . . Did you see her press conference? She had her glasses on, dressed like a schoolteacher. Very prim and proper. I think it was $50 extra for that. If you wanted her dressed as a nun, that’s $200. . . “
Leno, on the beef industry’s request that the USDA relax restrictions on fecal matter in beef:
“Fecal matter and beef. All of a sudden a little cholesterol doesn’t seem so bad. . . . Well, you know what they say: Beef happens.”
*
Organized crime is flourishing in Russia and some fear that mobsters may soon obtain nuclear weapons. Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports that one CIA source says that it would have dire consequences. And could result in at least three Tom Clancy novels.
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the genetically engineered tomatoes that ripen without getting soft: “President Clinton is thrilled. All of his old tomatoes seem to get hard and bitter.”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Portsmouth, England, celebration to honor the 50th anniversary of D-day: “In keeping with the World War II theme, admission is a chocolate bar or two pairs of nylons.”
*
Can’t understand the fuss about Sony Pictures charging $15.25 for a hamburger at its new in-house commissary. For years, they’ve been charging the public $7.50 just to see one of their turkeys.
--Paul Feldman
Hear about the couple dining at a frou-frou place over on Melrose?
The wife asked, “How’d you find the veal tonight, honey?”
He replied, “I was shuffling through the peas and there it was.”
--Josh Friedman
*
Reader Charles Smiley Jr. of Glendale tells of the young lady who attended a Washington banquet and decided to stuff two tissues in the bodice of her dress because she felt sniffles coming on.
She used one tissue, and feeling the need to use the other later at the banquet table, she began hunting for it. Suddenly, she was aware that everyone had stopped eating and was looking at her.
It didn’t help matters much when she said: “I know that I had two of them when I came in.”
*
Reader Marjorie S. Sinram of Chula Vista recalls when she was headed for a Halloween party in full, Spartanette regalia--tall, peaked headdress and all.
I stopped at a service station to ask for directions, and explained I was lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood. “Lady,” replied the young attendant, “you look like you are lost in time.”
