LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Shoemaker-Levy 9 update: “KCBS investigative reporter Harvey Levin says he has exclusive proof that there were explosions on Jupiter 17 minutes before the first comet hit. Film at 11.”

-- Keith Scheuer

“This just in from Jupiter: The Timex is still ticking.”

-- Argus Hamilton

“Jupiter has now been hit with more rocks than the U.S. Embassy in Haiti.”

-- Jay Leno

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Also in the news: Leno, on the $500,000 reward offered in the O.J. Simpson case: “It’s not that big a deal. The National Enquirer and ‘Hard Copy’ are offering twice that much money for information, and it doesn’t even have to be true.”

Hamilton thinks television paid far too much attention to Simpson’s arraignment on Friday: “Even the Weather Channel. It just showed the temperature inside the courtroom.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a Consumer Reports study that says 25% of the air we breathe during commercial flights is unhealthful: “Scientists blame noxious fumes emanating from worn hydraulic lines, spilled fuel and in-flight meals.”

On last week’s 25th anniversary of America’s moon walk, Dan Quayle said that it’s time to think big again regarding the nation’s space program. If he wins the 1996 presidential election, reports comedy writer Tony Peyser, Quayle promises before the year 2000 to put a man on the sun.

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on reports of a 300% increase in insurance claims filed by people with multiple personality disorders: “There’s no way it’s that high! Yes, it is! No, it isn’t! Shut up, I’m talking now! No, you shut up! Why don’t you make me? “

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An elderly man is walking on a country road when he sees a frog sitting on the road. The frog tells the man, “If you pick me up and kiss me I will turn into a beautiful young woman and grant your every romantic desire.”

The old man picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and continues walking.

“Hey,” says the frog, “you didn’t kiss me!”

Replies the old man: “Well, I thought it over and at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

-- Evelyn Levine, L.A.

After living his entire life in the same house, the 100-year-old man decided to move into the house next door. Asked why, he shrugged and replied: “I dunno, it must be the gypsy in me.”

-- Marvin Leaf, Santa Monica

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Reader Pepper Edmiston recalls when her son William, then 8, tried unsuccessfully to open a vitamin bottle with a childproof cap:

He handed it to me and I (after years of practice) opened it in a jiffy. Stunned, he asked, “How does the bottle know when it’s a grown-up?”