LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on what members of Congress and major league baseball players have in common: “They’re all millionaires. They all think working three hours a day is hard work. And they are all going home in August without finishing up what they started.”

Leno, on the Whitewater hearings: “Today, Senate Republicans flatly accused Treasury official Roger Altman of lying. They said, ‘You are a liar sir, you are a liar.’ And then they all left to go to a fund-raiser for Ollie North’s campaign.”

President Clinton has issued an ultimatum to Haitian military leaders, reports comedy writer Bob Mills: “Either they lay down their arms or he’s sending in the Compton P.D.”

Monroe, Conn., police are investigating what happened to $15,000 a woman says she accidentally left in a backpack she donated to Goodwill. Officers have no good leads, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, but report that the number of people volunteering to work at Goodwill has soared.

Showtime will air the television premiere of the original ending of “Fatal Attraction.” In this version, Peyser reports, Glenn Close’s character is killed by her longtime rival, Faye Dunaway.

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Reader file: A sure sign of old age? When you tell a friend that you’re having an affair and he replies, “That’s wonderful! Who’s the caterer?”

--Colman Daniel, L.A.

At a job interview, the personnel manager tells the applicant that his firm is looking for a person who is going to work hard for less than average pay, come to work early and stay all night if necessary.

“What do you think about that?” he asks.

“Tell you what,” the job seeker responds. “If you hire me, I’ll help you look.”

--Peter Zovak, Temple City

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At a recent trial, the plaintiff was testifying against a man she had sued for sexual harassment after he made an indecent proposal to her. Asked to state the obscene question he had asked, she said she was too embarrassed to say it out loud. So the judge allowed her to write it on a piece of paper.

The judge and lawyers read it, then passed it to the jury. After an attractive female juror read it, she tried to give it to the male juror seated next to her but found that he was asleep. So, she elbowed him and gave him the paper.

With the courtroom watching, the suddenly awakened juror read the note, gave the female juror a wink and a nod, and put the paper in his pocket.

--Argus Hamilton

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Reader Donna Hunt of La Quinta says she recently took a 4-year-old friend to the movies. As they settled into their seats and the theater darkened, the Pegasus horse of Tri-Star Pictures filled the screen. At that moment, the young girl leaned over and, in a whisper audible to several others, said:

“Oh no, I’ve already seen this movie.”