Commitments : It’s a Shame When Things Go Wrong in Relationships

If only. . . .

If only she would quit getting hysterical all the time, we’d be OK. (It’s her fault.) If only he would stop ordering me around, we could get along. (No, it’s his fault.)

Or, this classic scenario: If he’d be more affectionate, I’d be more interested in sex. (It’s his fault.) If she was better about sex, I’d be more affectionate. (No, it’s her fault.)

When marriage and family therapist Dennis Balcom sees couples stuck in this kind of circular argument, he doesn’t just see the pernicious problem of blame. He’s also likely to suspect there’s a problem with shame.

“What generally happens is a couple comes in with any of the usual problems--we’re not getting along, we’re not communicating, we’re fighting all the time--and in the process of exploring that, the issue of shame arises,” says Balcom, who practices in Cambridge, Mass.

Balcom, with fellow Cambridge marriage and family therapists Robert G. Lee and Jocelyn Tager, writes in a recent issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy that shame is often a hidden problem for couples.

Feeling shame is a normal part of being human. How intensely we feel it, though, determines whether it’s manageable or the makings of misery.

Normal shame is feeling bad about oneself at times but getting over it and resuming a reasonable outlook. Pathological shame is considering yourself worthless and being set off by comments or incidents that less afflicted people aren’t bothered by.

Shame can be expressed directly by saying such things as “I felt humiliated,” “I feel ridiculous.” Less direct would be for a person to talk in terms of guilt, “ought to” and “should,” the therapists write.

Most subtle of all is the shame a person expresses in behavior toward his or her partner, they write. The big pattern is blame: People feeling miserable about themselves take it out on their spouses.

“The idea is projection,” Balcom says. What we don’t feel good about in ourselves we attribute to another. “It’s trying to defend ourselves against shame. Unfortunately, in the process of doing this, we’re also saying, ‘My partner’s bad.’ ”

Couples in cycles of shame, the therapists write, are characterized by incessant blaming of the partner, never-ending arguments, limited ability to solve problems “and a lack of generalized learning. . . . Each partner is swamped in his or her own expression of feelings which, although intended to protect the self, injure or distance the partner.”

Couples free of this problem have a different conflict style--their fights have a beginning, middle and end, the therapists write. These couples also feel good about themselves and their relationship, express good will and can tolerate disappointment.

The therapist’s job would be to help identify the problem with shame, show how the dynamic works and help couples work on solutions. There probably would be exploration of how the intense shame developed--looking at how parents argued, how they talked to the children, how children were punished. Therapists also teach couples new ways of speaking and listening to break the blame cycle.

But many people try to deal with it without therapy. For them, reading about shame--books on the topic are connected to the recovery movement--”can in itself be quite helpful,” Balcom says.

The goal is learning to tolerate the feeling of shame, rather than never to feel shame--”from feeling irredeemably bad to, ‘Oh, I feel ashamed sometimes; it’s a normal experience; it passes. I don’t have to judge myself worthless.’ ”

When shame is better managed, Balcom says, “you’re able to much better tolerate the normal vicissitudes of a relationship. You’re more open to your more expressive, emotional, giving side. You’re also more resilient when you’re disappointed or don’t get your way.

“You’re not always trying to defend yourself, structure things or control your partner.”