LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Jay Leno, on the University of California regents doing away with affirmative action: “Gov. Wilson says it’s time we based college on the right criteria--such as how well you can shoot a basketball and how much your dad gives to the alumni association.”
Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Bob Dole releasing results of a physical to quiet critics about his age: “The report said he had a normal heart. That might prevent him from getting the GOP nomination.”
* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “Afterward, the senator spent a half-hour autographing ‘Dole in ‘96’ souvenir X-rays.”
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on President Clinton wanting Americans to be able to pay income taxes with a credit card: “Borrowing money to pay what you owe? Has he been talking to Reagan again?”
Mills, on physicist Ludek Zakel claiming to be the long-lost son of Albert Einstein: “Einstein’s relatives scoff at Zakel’s claim. They say he’s just trying to cash in on a new formula: e=mc$$.”
* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Zakel held a picture of his ‘dad’ beside his face and said, ‘Just look at the resemblance. You don’t have to be an Einstein to realize I’m his son.’ ”
Ryan, on the Argentine religious sect that preaches sex for salvation: “It’s nice to see Jimmy Swaggart back on the pulpit.”
Cutler Daily Scoop, on Saturday’s convention of the Dictionary Society of North America: “It got kind of testy when delegates started exchanging words.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Miss Virginia being stripped of her title for lying about her credentials: “Pageant officials were appalled at her behavior. This is a beauty contest, not an election.”
Leno, on Charlie Sheen paying more than $50,000 to Heidi Fleiss for hookers: “He said he had learned his lesson: Don’t pay by check.”
* Adds Leno: “If he had put it on his Discover card, he would be getting girls back now.”
Comic Jenny Church, on the birth of a daughter to political strategists James Carville and Mary Matalin: “Such media savvy. Mom’s water didn’t break, she leaked it to the press.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on Miss America officials clarifying their telephone ballot: “They say eliminating swimsuits doesn’t mean the women will parade naked. Now thousands of us have to vote again.”
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Cirque du O.J.: “O.J.’s housekeeper says he was such a neatness freak, he’d fold dirty clothes. So he’s not Tarzan, he’s not Job. He’s Felix Unger.” (Cutler)
* “Men who’ve watched this trial have learned a very valuable lesson: Pick up your socks.” (Leno)
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Seal Beach reader Moyra Lindstrom showed her granddaughter a pendant and told her someday it would be hers, adding that she would also someday give her brother something as well. The girl replied:
“OK , you can give him your glasses.”
