It Would Be Fabulous at Forum, but Don’t Count on Shaquille

Downey’s California:

--Don’t hold your breath waiting for Shaquille O’Neal to play for the Lakers next season.

Shaq likes L.A., but: (a) He practically hand-picked Penny Hardaway. (b) He would hate to abandon Horace Grant, who says he will leave Orlando the instant O’Neal does. (c) Dennis Scott is his best friend. (d) Shaq already has his own studio-entertainment complex in Florida. (e) He can live in L.A. three months of every year, regardless.

“Why would I leave the perfect team for me?” Shaq tells friends, privately.

Money talks, so Shaq will listen.

But if you’re counting on Shaq Fu at the Forum, don’t count too hard.

--”Monica, will you marry me? Toby.” (First quarter, Fiesta Bowl, on the scoreboard.) “Becky, will you marry me? Jack?” (Second quarter, Fiesta Bowl, scoreboard.) And so on, and so on.

I propose this:

No more proposals!

How many of these things must we watch? Hey, here’s a radical idea: When proposing marriage to someone you love, why not do it in private?

What we need is a scoreboard message that says: “Toby, you embarrassed me in front of everybody. Buzz off. Monica.”

Charles Barkley recently had to participate in a marriage proposal, playing Cupid before a Phoenix basketball game. TV producers taped it, then aired it at halftime. I wonder if they would have shown it if the woman had slapped the dude’s face. If she had said: “The most romantic moment of my life, and you dragged a basketball player into it?”

Better yet, I wish she had turned around and proposed something to Charles.

--Buffalo loses. Now there’s news.

--The only bad thing about Green Bay’s fans going to Super Bowl XXX in Phoenix would be seeing all those poor cheeseheads melt.

--Let’s see, Joe Montana was holding Kansas City back, Barry Foster was holding Pittsburgh back, Sterling Sharpe was holding Green Bay back, Randall Cunningham was holding Philadelphia back. . . . Dump a superstar, build a champion.

--You know what the Cincinnati Bengals ought to do now, don’t you? Fire sonny and hire Daddy.

--In the NFL draft, the Minnesota Vikings are seeking someone who can run, tackle and marry one woman at a time.

--Dan Marino broke every NFL record this season except: “Coaches Saved.”

--Wayne Huizenga’s ownership is moving from the Action/Adventure section to the Comedy shelf.

--The Marlins just signed Andre Dawson, 42. Florida is the only state where fans think of this as a youth movement.

--Oh, good. The ESPY awards are back. Espy, Uma. Uma, Espy.

--It has been announced that Oldsmobile will supply race engines for the Indy Racing League, beginning in 1997. I didn’t even know Indy raced mini-vans.

--”Dead Man Walking.” About time they made a movie about the senior golf tour.

--Keyshawn Johnson of USC says he would just love to help the New York Jets next season. And I bet you thought only Brigham Young kids volunteered to do missionary work.

--I predict George Foreman can lick Mike Tyson. In fact, I bet he can even chew him.

--When the Houston Oilers move to Nashville, their name will officially change to the Awlers.

--”I Was a Texas Longhorn,” by Ron McKelvey. Chapter One. Call me “Ron.” I played football for the University of Texas. I am 30 years old. Nobody checked me out. Nobody checked any of us out. Our quarterback was 43. Our middle linebacker served in Vietnam. Our right guard graduated from Texas Tech in 1957. Our fullback is a grandfather of four. My plastic hip . . . (continued on next page).

--Well, I don’t want to say Northwestern’s coach got a good deal, but from now on, that movie-review show will be called Siskel & Ebert & Barnett.

--Rickey Henderson signed with the San Diego Padres. So much for Dodger Stadium being the place with the best hot dogs.

--”12 Monkeys.” About time they made a movie about the press box.