Punch Lines

Iraq attaq: The U.S. missile assault on Iraq could finally spell the end of Saddam Hussein, says Hy Faber. “The Pentagon just developed an ‘ugly-seeking’ missile.”

* “Every news organization and cable service warned Baghdad that a U.S. attack was on the way. Even the Weather Channel got into the act. They reported that the five-day forecast for southern Iraq was two days.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Phase One of the attack: Jam all Iraqi TV signals with the Jerry Lewis telethon.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “The action was dubbed Operation Desert Strike. Aides talked President Clinton out of calling it Operation November Landslide.” (Bob Mills)

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In the news: A White House spokesman said the president has a cyst on the left side of his neck, but it’s benign. Says Hamilton, “It’s obvious Dick Morris is gone. He’s the one who convinced Clinton that everything on the left is malignant.”

* Adds Leslie Nesbitt, “The Dick Morris story adds to the Clinton White House’s ethical morass--which, I think, is the problem in the first place.”

Bob Dole says the military can cut the supply of drugs into this country and make it too expensive to buy the ones that make it in. Says Paul Steinberg, “Boy, leave it to the Republicans to find a way so only the rich can afford drugs.”

Brush fires are raging all across the West. Says Hamilton, “September is the most romantic month in California. Any time we want to sit by a nice roaring fire, we just turn on the TV news and there one is.”

A new salary survey shows that doctors’ pay has actually declined for the first time. Says Gary Easley, “On every golf green in the land, the flags are being flown at half-mast.”

Have you seen that new bottled water with caffeine added to it? Says Jerry Perisho, “I watered my Venus flytrap with it and now I can’t find my cats. I like to mix the stuff with decaf instant and let ‘em fight it out.”

Former first daughter Amy Carter got married. Says Steve Tatham, “The bride and groom vowed to love each other through happiness and malaise.”

Nude dancers in San Francisco have voted to join a union:

* “One thing they won’t be demanding is a clothed shop.” (Will Couzin)

* “They want to improve working conditions. Every day it’s the same old bump and grind.” (William H. Nash)

* “They already have their own jingle: ‘Look for the Union Pasty.’ ” (Mills)

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Reader James Casey of Los Angeles says that when his spouse, Jinny, was in her preteens she received two exciting gifts on Christmas Day: a watch that went tick-tick-tick and a bottle of perfume. She proudly wore both to a family gathering where, to her dismay, no one seemed to notice. In desperation, she seized upon a lull in the dinner conversation to say:

“If anyone hears anything or smells anything, it’s me!”