Punch Lines

Spy versus spy: Another CIA official has been charged with spying for the Russians:

* “Oh, that is soooooo ‘80s!” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “He not only gave them the names of agents but also building plans, policy information . . . and the best places to score crack in L.A.” (Cutler)

* “The least he could have done was start a crack epidemic in Moscow while he was over there.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “He was arrested after agents trailed him to Hollywood and photographed him passing Victoria’s secrets to Frederick.” (Bob Mills)

* “His Russian code name is ‘Almost Pulditov.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

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In the news: President Clinton is visiting Australia and Asia. Says Alan Ray, “He plans several goodwill stops. In Indonesia, he’ll lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Campaign Contributor.”

* “At a stopover in Hawaii, a news photographer got a nice shot of the president walking alone on the beach. It looked like a meeting of his new Cabinet.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “After landing in Sydney he was rushed to a top-level policy meeting with Crocodile Dundee, who briefed him on ways to tame Sen. Trent Lott.” (Mills)

Ticketmaster Corp. went public this week. Says Pearlstein, “The initial stock price was $14.50 a share. Of course, with the service charge it came out to $26.50 a share.”

Mattel has purchased Tyco Toys for $755 million. Says Hamilton, “Hasbro refused to merge with Mattel earlier this year. In today’s climate, they don’t want G.I. Joe anywhere near Barbie.”

A new discovery of a human jaw and some tools sheds new light on early man. Says Steve Tatham, “Although man’s jaw has evolved, his obsession with tools has not.”

Young people are taking a new designer drug that causes a brief sense of euphoria, followed by a lapse into a coma. Says Buzz Nutley, “Kids, if you want that feeling . . . just get married.”

Fidel Castro met with Pope John Paul II at the Vatican. Says Russ Myers, “The pope asked the Cuban president if he wanted to become Catholic, but Castro claimed he wasn’t convertible.”

America was a little confused after Michael Jackson’s second marriage, says Nutley. “All this time we thought he wanted to be Diana Ross, and it turns out he really wants to be Liz Taylor.”

And the host gig for this year’s Oscars goes to . . . Billy Crystal!

* “He’s gone from ‘Forget Paris’ to ‘Forget Letterman.’ ” (Cutler)

* “Hollywood’s reaction: ‘Whoopi!’ ” (Ecker)

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Reader Adam Cottle of Hawthorne says son Kalen, 8, plays soccer on a team where a different kid brings refreshments for the players each week. One time father and son were watching “Monday Night Football” and the camera showed the 40 or so Detroit Lions massed along the sidelines. Kalen asked:

“Dad, does a guy have to bring snacks for all those guys?”