In the Clone Zone, It Will Be a World of Double Vision

To clone or not to clone? That is the question.

Now that scientists have successfully duplicated a sheep, can human doubles be far behind? A look at what could be in store. . . .

March: The United Nations adopts an emergency resolution banning former U.N. Secretary-General Boutros Boutros-Ghali from cloning himself into Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros-Ghali Ghali.

April: In a major medical breakthrough, Dr. Jack Kevorkian assists with his own suicide.

May: Walt Disney Co. files for bankruptcy after chairman Michael Eisner admits he was “completely unaware, when promising a $96-million golden parachute to Michael Ovitz, that Ovitz had cloned himself 136 times.”

June: O.J. Simpson appeals the $33-million civil trial verdict against him, claiming that the Bruno Magli shoes were worn by “my ugly-ass clone.”

July: Saying his guests deserve “the best cup of coffee that $10,000 can buy,” President Clinton sends an exact replica of himself to Colombia as a replacement for the late Juan Valdez.

August: Worried that cloning technology could attract the same caliber people who make Xerox copies of their butts, Congress enacts the Human Duplication Act of 1997. The measure makes it a felony, punishable by death, to clone the following individuals: Martha Stewart, Richard Simmons, Rep. Sonny Bono (R-Palm Springs), Barney the dinosaur, Dr. Ruth, Michael Bolton, Dennis Rodman and the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

September: Capitol Hill revisits its anti-cloning legislation, deciding that “the grave national risk posed by reproducing Martha Stewart is outweighed by the advantage of having her clones available as ‘personal domestic servants’ in every American household.” Congress also declares it “no longer has a problem with term limits, heh, heh, if you get our drift.”

October: A constitutional crisis looms when the Human Duplication Act is signed by President Clinton but vetoed by his genetic double.

November: Ousted Congressman Robert Dornan’s charge of voter fraud in last fall’s election gets an unexpected boost when a tearful Loretta Sanchez admits she had herself cloned 984 times, the exact margin of victory.

December: A CNN-Gallup-Harris-CBS-ABC poll reveals a nation deeply divided over the question of “whom would you most like to see cloned.” Women, by a 2-to-1 margin, agree with the statement, “I would like to duplicate Sean Connery and train him to clean my house,” whereas men, by an equally lopsided ratio, call that idea “a colossal waste of valuable scientific resources that could be put to much better use cloning some of those Sports Illustrated swimsuit-edition babes.”

* Staff writers Roy Rivenburg and Roy Rivenburg contributed to this story.