Punch Lines

New Newt: House Speaker Newt Gingrich has lost 25 pounds. “Actually, it was 14,” says Lue Deck. “But you know how it is with Republican figures.”

* “This should help his approval rating, because if there’s one thing Americans are agreed on, it’s less Newt Gingrich.” (Jay Leno)

* “Aides say he’d like to lose another 185 pounds--Trent Lott.” (Bob Mills)

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Notes on Cultural History: “Sotheby’s in New York will auction 40,000 items owned by the Duke and Duchess of Windsor,” says Argus Hamilton. “He gave up the throne of England in 1937 to marry a divorcee and party his life away. This marked the very beginning of country music.”

Art experts charge that scores of paintings attributed to Vincent van Gogh are forgeries. Mills provides a handy test to determine if you are stuck with a fake: “Did you buy it out of the trunk of a car? Does the nameplate on the frame say ‘Prop. of Motel 6’? Does the image of your ‘Man With a Plow’ look suspiciously like Elvis? Does Van Gogh’s signature include a happy face?”

A resort in Texas has banned ties, says Joe Kevany. “Forget the ties. Outlaw Bermuda shorts worn with black socks.”

“Security roughed up photographers for taking shots of Chelsea Clinton at an Italian disco,” says Hamilton. “The tabloids say she’s fair game now. The Star just rented the Mars land rover to follow her everywhere she goes at Stanford.”

“America Online is trying to buy CompuServe,” says Kenny Noble Cortes. “There will be a lot more options, including the busy signal from hell.”

“Now that the Caped Crusader has slid to No. 5 at the box office, producers are considering a title change from ‘Batman and Robin’ to ‘Men in Black Rubber Suits.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Martian Chronicles: The Pathfinder has found that Mars was ravaged by massive floods thought to have taken place a billion years ago. “Mars is still waiting for Congress to approve relief funds,” Kaseberg says.

* “Kenneth Starr immediately began fishing for evidence that the Clintons sold lakeside parcels for summer homes.” (Mills)

* “The Sojourner vehicle is offering up plenty of surprises,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “For example, it found an ATM without a bank surcharge.”

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How You Know You Are in L.A.: “According to a new environmental study, the nation’s beaches are getting cleaner,” says Leno. “In fact, this beach here where they film ‘Baywatch’ only had to close once this year, and that was because there were just too many unattractive people in the water.”

Reader Ric Stevenson of Upland says his 7-year-old son, Nic, has perhaps watched the video of “Independence Day” too often. When Stevenson and his wife, Sue, asked Nic why we celebrate the Fourth of July, he replied,

“That’s when we defeated the aliens.”