He Wants to Stop and Smell the Roses

Stress is a major factor in many of our health-related problems. A key way to reduce stress is to simplify. By reducing clutter, commitments, tasks and expenses, your life will streamline into the Stress Free Zone. Elaine St. James tells us how.

Dear Elaine: I think your ideas are great. However, what do you do when your spouse won’t simplify? I have your books, but my wife won’t read them. No time.

My day begins at 4:40 a.m. My workday is from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m., which allows me to pick up my youngest daughter from my mother-in-law’s ($100 per week) at 2:45 p.m., and then the oldest daughter from school at 3:45 p.m. We arrive home about 4:15 p.m. Then there’s the juggling act of helping the oldest with homework and keeping the youngest entertained.

My wife gets home about 7:15 p.m. (She leaves for work at 7:30 a.m.) Her sister or mother, who live nearby, prepares the kids’ dinner. My wife doesn’t eat dinner. I cook up a small piece of meat and have a glass of milk. Then we get ready for the next day. Clothes, baths, whatever. The kids get to sleep about 9:30 p.m. Then there are bills and other paperwork until 10:30 or 11 p.m. Wake-up time is a little more than 5 1/2 hours away.

I’ve pleaded with my wife for years. We have to downsize. Move closer to work. Create more time. We have a new house ($2,000 a month), two nearly new cars, maid service, yard service. But she refuses to see (or doesn’t care about) the amount of work required to have it all. Now, she’s planning soccer season for my oldest. Then it’ll be practice during the week and Saturday games.

I’m only 37 years old, but I feel 50. I’m tired. I want time to smell the roses, time to look into the blue sky, and time to enjoy the sunshine. I feel myself withdrawing. I love my kids and my wife, but this ‘90s life is robbing us of living.

--TIRED IN AMERICA

Dear Tired: Before you do anything else, sit down with your wife, away from the family chaos, and make it clear to her that you’re tired and overwhelmed by your schedules and the complications of your lives. Write up a list of things you’d like to change--a smaller home with an easier commute, reduced work hours for both of you, fewer extracurricular activities for you and the kids so you can be together as a family, ways to cut back expenses, and so forth. All relationships are a compromise, and it will be vital for the future of your marriage and your kids’ futures to come up with solutions that will work for both of you.

If she’s unwilling to make any changes, I would encourage you to insist on marriage counseling. If she’s unwilling to do that, then get counseling on your own. If you’ve been pleading for years, then either you’re not getting your message across or she doesn’t want to hear it. In either case, a good counselor will give you the tools to improve the communication between you, and to help you deal with any other issues that may be in your way.

In the meantime, figure out how you can simplify your own responsibilities. Could you create a flex schedule with your employer to reduce the number of days you have to commute each week? Could you work from home? Could you change jobs? Work part time? Be a stay-at-home dad? Have someone else pick up the kids one or two days a week? Take steps on your own to cut your expenses?

Since the most common factor in happy families is that they have their meals together, do what you can to have your family eat together at least a couple of nights each week.

Then reread “Simplify Your Life With Kids” (available in bookstores or your public library) and simplify some of your daily and weekly routines. Just eliminating the evening madness would be a good start. Often when you relieve one area, every other area of your life gets simpler.

Be sure to schedule weekly downtime for yourself, perhaps Saturday or Sunday afternoons. Write it on your schedule. Simplify or set aside errands for a while if you have to. Teach your kids to enjoy downtime, too.

Good luck. Let me know how you do.

* Elaine St. James is the author of “Simplify Your Life” and “Simplify Your Life With Kids.” For questions or comments, write to her in care of Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111, or e-mail her at estjames@silcom.com.