Off-Kilter

Dianalysis 101: A professor at Britain’s Lancaster University predicts that colleges will someday offer degrees in “Dianology,” the study of Princess Diana. Already, schools in Germany and England are offering courses on such topics as how Diana “functions as a radical fetish of virtual reality, a move beyond alienation to a principle of otherness raised to technical perfection,” according to London’s Daily Telegraph.

Underwater Audio Department: We don’t want to say the animal-rights movement has gone overboard or anything, but . . .

* Tapes of race-car engine sounds will be played inside Long Beach’s Aquarium of the Pacific next year to condition the fish for noise from the Grand Prix, which passes near the tanks.

* A crustacean beauty pageant will be held Tuesday in Ocean City, N.J., so that hermit crabs can compete for the title of Miss Crustacean 1998.

* A Canadian radio station has gone to an all-whale format. Orca-FM broadcasts the live grunts, groans and snores of killer whales off the coast of Newfoundland, as heard through a microphone dangling in the ocean.

In a related story, 600 snorkelers and divers recently attended an underwater concert at the Looe Key National Marine Sanctuary in Florida. The six-hour aquatic symphony was piped in via underwater speakers suspended from five boats, according to the Vero Beach Press Journal. Songs included Handel’s “Water Music,” the theme from “The Little Mermaid,” the Beatles’ “Octopus’ Garden,” Frankie Ford’s “Sea Cruise” and a reworked version of “That’s Amore” called “That’s a Moray.”

“The sound comes at you from everywhere,” said one organizer. “Not only do you hear through your ears, you hear through your entire body. But the fish don’t seem to react to it, even when we played the theme from ‘Jaws.’ ”

Best Newspaper Opening Line: From a Wall Street Journal story on how things no longer have to be very old before people feel nostalgic about them: “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”

Lunatic Fringe Department: An “animal psychic” from Ohio claims she has telepathically contacted Socks, the White House cat, and discovered that the First Feline is plagued by fleas.

Random Thoughts Department: We were just reminiscing about a column item we once did on a woman who contacted Bill Clinton’s cat through mental telepathy. Boy, those were the good old days of Off-Kilter.

Alarming Trends Bureau: The record industry didn’t learn its lesson when William Shatner massacred “Mr. Tambourine Man” in the 1960s. Now, former Beatles producer George Martin is putting together a tribute album featuring Goldie Hawn singing “A Hard Day’s Night,” Robin Williams and Bobby McFerrin belting out “Come Together,” Jim Carrey performing “I Am the Walrus” and Shamu doing a cover of “Yesterday.” OK, we lied about the Shamu part.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “The World’s First Surgical Exorcism! Brain Doc Cuts Man’s Head Open and Removes Demon!” (Weekly World News)

Apparently, the man was a victim of Excedrin Headache No. 666.

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Laurie Kemp (Aquarium of the Pacific), Miami New Times (undersea concert), Chicago Sun-Times (Dianology), Wireless Flash News Service (Orca-FM, Miss Crustacean, Socks, Beatles)