Off-Kilter

Long-Winded Words Department: Someday when we’re out of material, we’ll devote an entire column to printing the longest word in the English language, which is a 1,913-letter name for a chemical compound that is known as “tryptophan synthetase A protein” for short. The complete word starts out as “methionylglut” and rambles on for another 1,900 letters, according to Richard Lederer’s book “Crazy English” (Pocket Books).

Other can’t-get-a-word-in-edgewise words include a 45-letter lake name, Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, which is near Webster, Mass., and translates as, “You fish on your side, I fish on my side and nobody fish in the middle.” There’s also supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, a 34-letter word coined for the movie “Mary Poppins” and meaning “atoning for extremely delicate beauty while being highly educable.”

Paid Political Announcement Department: Poor Al Checchi. The latest polls show him slipping badly in the race for California governor. Most analysts blame his negative TV commercials, but we’re convinced it’s his artificial-looking hair. On the plus side, Off-Kilter’s own polling data shows that, although Checchi scores last in the campaign for governor, he leads in the race for president . . . of Hair Club for Men.

But let’s face it, none of the candidates have decent hair, which makes it impossible for thinking voters to support them. And that brings us back to our own recently announced bid for governor. OK, we admit that most of our hair has fallen out. In fact, our cupboard is so bare that when infomercial guru Ron Popeil once offered to spray our cranium with his aerosol hair in a can, federal scientists obtained a court order to halt the demonstration on grounds that the fumes would destroy whatever is left of the ozone layer. However, what we lack in Ted Koppelness, we make up for with a campaign platform that tackles truly important issues, like why won’t someone manufacture a tennis shoe that isn’t hideously colored and shaped like something a space alien would wear.

Since launching our candidacy last week, we have been inundated with two more ideas (or maybe three, we’ve lost count) for our platform:

* Readers Corinne Presky and Rich Varenchik urged the death penalty for whomever is responsible for putting those annoying little stickers on every single apple and pear at the grocery store.

* Off-Kilterite Mike Bacigalupi suggested outlawing red left-turn arrows. If a driver is sitting in a left-turn lane and there’s no oncoming traffic, he or she “should be able to turn left like God intended,” Bacigalupi said. Another reader, Lou DeCosta, said we need a campaign slogan. We kind of like “Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg,” but we’re open to suggestions.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: If you aren’t sure whether your favorite animal is going to heaven or hell, take this simple Weekly World News quiz: Is your pet friendly to smaller animals and little kids? Does it seem remorseful after doing something bad and being scolded? Does the animal try to connect with you emotionally by cuddling with you on the couch, etc.? Does your pet greet you when you get home? If you answered yes to at least three questions, the creature will probably make it past the Pearly Gates, according to animal theologian Russell Cartade. Still no word on the eternal fate of the Taco Bell Chihuahua, Spuds McKenzie, a fish called Wanda or Godzilla.

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Wireless Flash News Service, Martin Miller