Ready, Aim, Fire: U.S. and NATO war...

Ready, Aim, Fire: U.S. and NATO war planes bomb sites in Yugoslavia. “I didn’t even know Clinton was dating again.” (Jay Leno)

Ready, Aim, Fire II: President Clinton said he regrets the bombing, but he’s got to what he’s got to do. “He said, ‘I am not a man who likes to use force; usually a couple of drinks do the trick.’ ” (Bill Maher)

One More Time for Kosovo: Experts say the fighting in Yugoslavia could drag on for six months. “Six months with no real winner. Yeah, kinda like a Don King fight.” (Leno)

Bon Voyage: Hillary Rodham Clinton is in the midst of a 12-day trip to the Middle East. “Gentlemen, start your interns.” (David Letterman)

Bon Voyage II: The first lady’s trip included a stop in Egypt. “One awkward moment--Chelsea said to Hillary, ‘What’s the curse of the mummy?’ And Hillary said, ‘She has to hold everything together while Daddy is out.’ ” (Maher)

In the Arsenal: The latest development in firepower is a gun that uses sound waves to make you sick to your stomach. “The inventor got the idea while attending a John Tesh concert.” (Bill Williams)

Scoring Points: The Harlem Globetrotters won their 20,000th game. “And not once did they play the Clippers.” (Earl Hochman)

Parrothead Alert: Miss Universe has become governor of Margarita Island. “Her first order of business? Looking for that lost shaker of salt.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Oscar Hangover: The 71st Academy Awards ceremony included an interpretive dance number set to the nominated scores. “When you saw that powerful opening scene in ‘Saving Private Ryan,’ where they’re landing on the beach in Normandy, was your first instinct to go, ‘Gotta dance!’?” (Leno)

The Essential David Letterman

Top 10 signs your prize fight is fixed:

10. Nickname on your robe: “The Mafia Puppet.”

9. Between rounds, HBO airs commercials for the rematch.

8. Fight is sanctioned by the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee.

7. You recognize the judges as guys who count ballots at Teamsters elections.

6. The white guy wins.

5. Ref tells your opponent, “I wanna see a lot of punches below the belt.”

4. Between rounds, someone keeps slipping you Quaker nonviolence pamphlets.

3. During end credits you see: “Fight choreographed by Debbie Allen.”

2. Every time you start doing well, the ref stops fight to look for his lost contact lens.

1. Odds are on Dame Judi Dench to win in the third.

*

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.