These debaters can really spin the issues

While the so-called responsible press invaded Sacramento on Wednesday to cover the fake gubernatorial debate, we were at Cal State Los Angeles for the real showdown: the Game Show Network’s “Who Wants to be Governor of California? The Debating Game.”

It had everything the main debate did -- mudslinging, jokes, scripted sound bites -- plus fog machines, weird props and, best of all, no Arianna Huffington.

Competing for the grand prize were six underdog candidates: the shortest (actor Gary Coleman), tallest (hoopster Nate Whitecloud Walton, son of Bill Walton), oldest (70-year-old tomato farmer Carl Mehr), youngest (20-year-old frat boy Bryan Quinn), and the two blue candidates (porn actress Mary Carey and artist Trek Kelly, who dresses only in blue).

Before the event, a Game Show Network exec asked us to help judge the candidate sound-bite competition. “We’re looking for a real journalist,” she said, apparently unfamiliar with our work.

Alas, being a judge turned out to be a huge mistake. Not because the show was lame -- it was a hoot -- but because we had to stare into the weirdly hypnotic “Wheel of Sound Bites,” which featured Gray Davis’ floating head in the middle.

Even when the wheel spun, Davis’ eerie smile didn’t budge. “I think I’m going to have nightmares,” confided fellow judge Andrea Figler of CableWorld magazine.

After each spin, contestants had 10 seconds to blab away on whatever hot-button issue the wheel landed on (immigration, guns, the energy crisis, “old people,” etc.).

Quinn, the Republican college student who looks like he’s 12 but talks like he’s 40, got the highest score for his 10-second sound bite on gay marriage: “Hey, I don’t want to be the guy to turn my back on them.”

But some of the best lines, which the candidates wrote ahead of time, never got uttered.

For example, porn star Carey was ready with this quote on the energy crisis: “The state has made some bad deals buying electricity in the past. If elected, I will appoint hot girls from the adult industry to sit in on future negotiations. I guarantee we’ll get better deals.”

Mehr was ready with this line on gay marriage: “It should be allowed only if the couples demonstrate they can produce babies without outside help.”

And Kelly had prepared zingers on the energy crisis (“If we could just find a way to harness the energy from all the crap in this campaign, we would have no crisis”), the economy (“Make Arnold refund every person who suffered through ‘Twins,’ ‘Kindergarten Cop’ and ‘Terminator 2’ -- snap, no more deficit”) and old people (“As governor, I will change the calendar and put 24 months in the year instead of 12. That way, everyone would be half their age and we could save an enormous amount on health care”).

The show premieres Oct. 1 on the Game Show Network cable channel. The winner will be chosen by online balloting and announced on election day.

Quote of the day

From Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart, after watching a clip of Davis, standing next to Joe Lieberman, saying he expected to win the recall election: “Yes, and how could he possibly lose with Joe Lieberman by his side?”

Late-night blotter

“Arianna kept interrupting Arnold, attacking Arnold, going on and on. I think I know why her husband turned gay now.” (Jay Leno)

“At one point the moderator addressed Arnold as Gov. Schwarzenegger. Even more embarrassing was when he called Cruz ‘Chief Bustamante.’ ” (Leno)

“Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Huffington about immigration. They were going back and forth and back and forth, and finally, Immigration came in and hauled them both away.” (David Letterman)

“The vote will go forward on Oct. 7. That was the decision of an 11-judge panel of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, overturning an earlier ruling by three judges from the same court. All of which should lead to the most awkward Christmas party ever.” (Stewart)