On, off and in between

Relationship or roller coaster? Hang on to your hearts -- sometimes it’s hard to tell. I’ll actually wake up some mornings having to think for a moment about whether or not I still have a girlfriend. No, it’s not one of my patented chocolate martini hangovers.

It’s worse. I’m in a classic “on-again/off-again” romance.

Hardly the first time. My troubles began in second grade where my first-ever fight with a female came over crayon colors. She chose red, while I picked purple. I carefully considered her point of view, never voicing my opinion that, all things being equal, boys rule and girls drool.

“Red?” I demanded. “That’s weird.”

“You’re weirder,” came the response.

Stung, I went on a peanut butter and grape Hi-C bender that lasted most of the fall. We reconciled by Christmas, but only a month later she was treating me as if I had a severe case of the “cooties.” Which I so didn’t.

Things haven’t improved much since. Take this woman with whom I’m having an “on-again/off-again” right now. (I’m reasonably certain we’re “on” at the moment.) We break up over all kinds of things, but the one issue most likely to push us into the “off” category is that timeless chestnut: “Thou shall not look at other women.”

For example, when an attractive female crosses our path, I immediately look down and hum patriotic songs. The more attractive, the more patriotic. One time we ran into a rather pouty young model and I launched into a sizzling rendition of “You’re a Grand Old Flag.” Not to brag, but a pair of nearby veterans wept.

You see, anything less would indicate that not only did I see the model in question, but that I formulated plans to quit my job, sell the condo and start a new life with her. That would put a damper on the evening.

The “on/off” relationship takes a certain amount of time and energy but, done correctly, can offer several advantages, including lots of making out when you do reunite. It also provides for some down time so you two don’t burn out on each other so fast. Which brings me to the controversial “n” word: novelty.

I’m well aware that true love develops over time -- once you have a deep understanding of your soul mate’s, well ... soul. Two people can take years to reach a point where they share things no one else can share. Emotions. Compassion. Trust.

But man, those first few weeks are a blast!

With an “on/off,” you get to relive those weeks after every breakup. Fresh starts. Smiles. Flirty little glances. Just like old times. And best of all, no fights, since everyone’s on their best behavior. Suddenly, you agree on everything. It’s a bizarro world where she watches college football and you can’t wait to hear about her mom’s hip replacement. She likes cars and you have a sudden passion for shoe shopping. You can glance at other women, and ... well, no, you still can’t do that.

Ahhhh, but it doesn’t last. The novelty wears thin and you’re back on the relationship Matterhorn.

“What do you think of these earrings?” she’ll ask.

“Honey, it’s the bottom of the ninth. The Dodgers need three to win.”

From there, it’s only a matter of time until the first fight. And the next breakup. Why do we put ourselves through this? Mostly, I think, we’re too resistant to change. We scoff at other people’s needs. It’s generally all about us. So we send people packing, only to find ourselves unhappy when they go. Then we want them back.

I’m learning, in relationships, to take the good with the bad. Just as I’m hoping others will do with me. I’d mention that to my current flame, but sadly, she just e-mailed to tell me we’re “off.” Too bad, actually. I really liked her.

Hold on a second, the phone’s ringing.

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.

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Cuddling as a party activity -- now we’re making contact.