America, learn it or leave it

GOOD NEWS, fellow citizens: The federal government has created a new standardized test!

Designed by the Department of Homeland Security’s office of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, it will be used to determine which immigrants qualify for naturalized U.S. citizenship. It will rigorously assess immigrants’ knowledge of “the fundamental concepts of American democracy,” asking tough questions such as “Why do we have three branches of government?” “What is the rule of law?” and “What are inalienable rights?”

Requiring those who want the privileges of U.S. citizenship to have some minimal knowledge of American civics is a great idea. Why should this country mint new so-called citizens who don’t know the first thing about American history or law?

But there’s no reason to restrict this test to immigrants. We should make native-born Americans take the test too -- and deport them to their last known countries of ancestry if they flunk.

Fair’s fair. Research suggests that most native-born Americans would probably fail the new exam -- even though most of us are second-, third- or 10th-generation immigrants and have had generations to get this civics thing down. Why should we ask first-generation immigrants to know more about the United States than the rest of us?

Last spring, one survey found that although 52% of Americans could name two or more of the characters from “The Simpsons,” only 28% could identify two of the freedoms protected under the 1st Amendment. Another recent poll found that 77% of Americans could name at least two of the Seven Dwarfs from “Snow White,” but only 24% could name two or more Supreme Court justices.

In September, the Annenberg Public Policy Center released a poll showing that only two-thirds of Americans could identify all three branches of government; only 55% of Americans were aware that the Supreme Court can declare an act of Congress unconstitutional; and 35% thought that it was the intention of the founding fathers to give the president “the final say” over Congress and the judiciary.

Should these people really be voting? Deport them, I say!

In addition to ensuring a wiser, more responsible polity, deporting all Americans who flunk the new citizenship exam would have numerous other practical benefits. Think how much less crowded our cities would be if we deported everyone who flunked the civics exam. Think how much oceanfront real estate would become available at bargain-basement prices.

If you’re concerned that the mass deportations would only get rid of the poor and uneducated, thus having little effect on the supply of luxury real estate for those who remain, think again. Shameful ignorance is equally rampant among socioeconomic elites. In fact, one study found that college students at elite universities tended to do even more poorly on civics questions than students at lower-ranked schools. (Students at UC Berkeley, Brown, Cornell, Duke and Yale were among the most woefully ignorant.)

And if we deported so-called citizens who don’t know anything about the U.S. Constitution, it’s not just beachfront real estate that would open up. We could clear out the White House too.

THEY SAY YOU get the government you deserve -- and as a nation of civics ignoramuses, perhaps we do deserve the Bush administration, which has made spitting on the Constitution a point of pride.

At various points over the last six years, this administration has claimed the right to detain U.S. citizens and hold them indefinitely without charge, trial or access to counsel; the right to ignore laws passed by Congress; and the right to evade judicial review of executive branch actions. Members of the administration, from the president on down, have made it clear that as far as they’re concerned, there’s only one branch of government and there’s no such thing as inalienable rights.

But as the honest civil servants at the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services could surely explain, recent administration policies and statements reflect an understanding of American civics that’s simply incorrect.

Sorry, fellas! Deportation time.

Donald H. Rumsfeld, the outgoing secretary of Defense, would be sent back to Germany, where his ancestors came from. He might end up indicted by a German court for authorizing the torture of U.S. detainees, but that’s the breaks. For President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, deportation wouldn’t be nearly so bad. Bush would be sent back to Fantasyland, where he spends most of his time anyway, and Cheney would feel right at home back in his native Transylvania.

Of course, this nation is the land of second chances. Visit any Citizenship and Immigration Services office -- look how many people long to reinvent themselves as U.S. citizens!

So maybe it’s not too late for those of us who already enjoy citizenship to rediscover our civic heritage, participate actively in our government and hold our leaders accountable for their recent misdeeds.

Don’t know where to start? Your local Citizenship and Immigration Services office would be happy to provide you with a good set of civics flash cards.

rbrooks@latimescolumnists.com