There are some crooks even a police officer could love

It’s time for “CSI: Only in L.A.,” a review of some of the stupidest criminal tricks and oddest police calls of the year. We start with the would-be robber who broke into a Baldwin Park bank before it opened and had one employee step outside to make sure the coast was clear. She locked him inside, where he was arrested by police.

Just couldn’t leave well enough alone: In Rancho Cucamonga, a suspected cat burglar fled the scene of his crime, leaving behind his loot-filled car. The vehicle was towed away but officers couldn’t find the intruder until he was thoughtful enough to go to them, appearing at a sheriff’s station in San Bernardino to report his car stolen.

Lights! Camera! Arrest! B. Young of Malibu spotted a handwritten addendum to a sign that stirred memories of such celebrated defendants as Mel Gibson and Nick Nolte (see photo). The “Dietrich” signature was a joking reference to the phantom that a Swedish businessman first claimed was driving the $1-million Ferrari when it crashed it on Pacific Coast Highway at 162 mph.

In keeping with our law enforcement theme: We also offer (see accompanying):

* A well-armed sauerkraut dish (from James McElmell).

* Some “hot” appliances.

* And a racy recipe for Brussels sprouts (from Marvin Mallon).

A recipe for trouble: A prostitute was arrested in Oceanside after she exposed a breast and jumped into an unmarked police car, explaining to the two undercover officers inside that she had to get off the street because there were so many cops in the area.

Terrifying tales from the animal world: In Seal Beach, a resident phoned police to report hearing noises in the garage. Officers found nothing but a hibernating tortoise that apparently had a snoring problem. A Laguna Beachite called the authorities about “a large hummingbird flying aggressively around a residence.” And another Lagunan complained about “stray flies” in his house.

A true 21st century alibi: Pulled over for an illegal maneuver, a Westside motorist told L.A. Police Officer Susan Quan: “My GPS [global positioning system] said I could turn here.”

It wasn’t his thinking cap: A customer at a bicycle shop donned a test ride helmet and took a $650 model for a trial spin but didn’t return. A few days later, he was traced to a motel room where he denied all, though the bicycle was parked there, next to the helmet.

Commuter crime: The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department reported receiving this 911 call: “Male found someone breaking into his vehicle. He tied suspect to a tree and left because he had to go to work.”

Real money-laundering: A Santa Barbara bank robber escaped with $3,000 in cash, only to discover that it contained a red tracking dye. He put the loot in a washing machine to restore its green-ness, but that didn’t work. Then he treated the cash with food coloring. Nope; still not the right hue. Discouraged, he deposited the money in a Dumpster and fled.

Money-laundering update: Oh, yes, the above guy was quickly tracked down, inasmuch as his holdup note was attached to a pay stub carrying his name and address.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.