‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Bollywood, burlesque, brutal judges

It was switch-up night on Week 5 of “Dancing With the Stars,” with the voters at home deciding which new pro partners they wanted the remaining nine stars paired up with.

Last time, the switch-up created fun rivalries and helped raise a lot of the celebrities’ games. This time was less successful.

It didn’t help that our usually happy-go-lucky judges got switched out with a bunch of stick-in-the-muds. Carrie Ann Inaba, Julianne Hough, Bruno Tonioli and guest judge Jessie J apparently all seemed to have left their senses of humor and fun in the taxi on the way to this glitterverse. Some buzzless bee flew into their collective bonnet, and neither puffy shirts, nor passing the Dutchie, nor a perfectly styled porn ‘stache could muster up any sort of enthusiasm from this paddle-wielding panel.

The partner do-si-do also meant that there was no elimination this week, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise, considering that the judges let out enough blood on their own already. So there were no losers tonight, but really, there were no winners, either (thanks for sucking all the sparkle out of the glitterverse, paddle pushers). Here’s how the stars stacked up:

Puffy shirt alert! Alfonso Ribeiro got teamed with potty mouth Cheryl Burke, “that feisty woman he’s looking for.” Turned out Witney Carson coaxed Cheryl’s partner, Drew Carey, to his highest scores ever the last time “DWTS” had a switch-up. Now it was Cheryl’s turn to return the favor. And the flamenco was a resounding crowd pleaser, with two-year anniversary celebrating Alfonso moving with purpose on his knees toward spicy Cheryl, and doing a dramatic powder clap a la LeBron James. Jessie J didn’t want the dance to end. Julianne called it “the first partnership that I believed tonight.” “Staring in lust in the dust … the chemistry was scorching,” Bruno proclaimed, though he cautioned Alfonso to “lift and separate” between the neck and the shoulder. Alfonso and Cheryl received a 34 out of 40 for their switch-up flamenco. Two-week total: 74 out of 80.

Sadie Robertson got teamed up with Mark Ballas’ BFF Derek Hough for a flapper-inspired Charleston. Derek was welcomed into the family despite his lack of ZZ Top beard; Papa Robertson came into rehearsals, and Derek went to Louisiana to shoot skeet with the family and film his own #DerekDynasty episode. And my oh my did Sadie cut a great Jazz Age figure with her “Crazy Stupid Love” Charleston with that shiny bright silver fringe number and that headpiece. Jessie J said Sadie looked like a pro. Julianne called Sadie “Miss Daisy” and said her long limbs are “so perfect for this type of style,” though she “missed a little bit of timing at the beginning.” Bruno called Sadie “the perfect flapper” and said her swivel action was “spot on.” Sadie and Derek received a 36 for their Charleston, the highest scores of the night. Two-week total: 73.

Lea Thompson was paired with an aging Val Chmerkovskiy, who decided he wanted to audition for choreographer for “Cocoon: The Musical” with a “home for retired ballroom dancers” Broadway routine replete with streaks of grey, “Mama’s Family” wigs, and a spate of walkers (“Making me miss Len,” Tom said wistfully). Turns out “You Can’t Stop the Music” no matter what your age. Lea totally sold her hot nurse bit, and Val made his bid to join the Geritol generation right before our very eyes with a padded chest area, wire-rimmed glasses and silver streaks of hair. Sure, the projected 50-year age difference kind of tempered the thrill of seeing Lea and Val kiss for the first time (take that, dry-humping Artem and Janel!), but the judges ate it up like an early bird special. Jessie J thought Lea’s acting was the best. Carrie Ann loved it, despite the fact that it was “way wackadoodle.” Bruno thought it was “off the wall and insanely funny … only you could pull off the cast of ‘Cocoon’ on acid.” Well, all except Julianne, who said it was the first time she saw Lea hesitate. Lea and Val received a 34 for their senior Broadway moment. Two-week total: 73.

Whereas Lea and Val’s Broadway routine was Great White Way with pecks of sweet kisses, respective partners Janel Parrish and Artem Chigvintsev’s burlesque number was bump and grind with a side of raunch dressing. Artem wore suspenders, like Val. Only, he didn’t wear anything on underneath them. Though Janel and Val’s week-long affair started out a little kinky, with Janel pawing down her partner front and back before removing her blindfold to reveal Artem. And the routine started out like a Cher-Julianne Hough movie before it devolved into the down and dirty (hello, crotch-grabbing money shot move!). Julianne agreed that it was sexy, but the cheeky burlesque of it was lost after she hooked up with Artem. “That was extremely sexy, but to me, that was no burlesque,” she said. Bruno, perhaps dazzled by Artem’s heaving pectorals, said “there’s not a person in the country that will need Viagra tonight.” Sorry, Janel’s dad. Sorry, Jessie J’s mom. Janel and Artem received a 33 for their burlesque. Two-week total: 69 (oh baby).

Mark Ballas decided to take Bethany Mota’s burgeoning womanhood into his own hands (and lips), helping the teen YouTube star find her swag in a hip-hop routine. And while there were times that the YouTube star wasn’t completely “in pocket,” the judges were all pleasantly surprised by Bethany’s abundant swag and attack. “You completely held your own,” Julianne said. I thought she looked like Lisa Lisa without her cult jam, but Bruno likened the young Internet star to an “Into the Groove” Material Girl. “Madonna is a legend,” the judge proclaimed. Mark still felt like Bethany got gypped by her 32 score. Two-week total: 65.

Antonio Sabato Jr. and Allison Holker began the show by debuting a Bollywood routine. The laugh-happy Allison was such a departure from the more serious Cheryl throughout rehearsals. And the joy really shone through in their bright, colorful, yet somewhat disjointed Bollywood routine. Julianne loved how Antonio came in “with so much heart and so much passion” but thought there was a “disconnect in the connection.” “The princess is very tough to catch, isn’t [she]?” Bruno agreed, saying the routine “wasn’t quite synchronized as it should have been.” Carrie Ann thought it was Antonio at his most confident. Jessie talked a bunch of pleasantries and then slapped him down with a punitive 6. Way harsh, Tai. Antonio and Allison received a 28 for their Bollywood routine. Two-week total: 57.

Jonathan Bennett was trying to rebound from this low 6 scores from the samba last week with Allison Holker. Peta Murgatroyd was really trying to make sure he got “a significantly different score this week,” and chocked their jitterbug with tons of lifts and flips. Though I did have to agree with the judges that the odd grabs of wardrobe to the near missed lifts and flips made me fear for Peta’s life throughout this shaky routine. Carrie Ann said “there were moments of brilliance … but so much of it was wrong.” “It made me feel uncomfortable,” Jessie J said, before simulating a roller coaster ride. “I was holding my breath and not in a good way,” Julianne concurred. Jonathan may have appeared in the movie, but the judges played real-life version of “Mean Girls” with another low run of scores across the board. “I guess I’m good at getting 6s,” Jonathan said. Total: 24. Two-week total: 48.

Tommy Chong and Emma Slater were paired up for a Rastafarian mambo to “Pass the Dutchie.” Only, the judges weren’t really smoking what Tommy and Emma had dished out. Carrie Ann felt the slow tempo made the performance “a bit lackluster.” Bruno called it “a mambo on the slow lane … hit a few bumps on the road, but you got to the end!” Which is like congratulating a student for getting through a day of school. Julianne said she thought Tommy looked “tired,” and like he was “running out of material.” “I look tired because I’m old,” Tommy replied perfectly. Tommy and Emma received a 5 and three 6s for a 23 mambo. “They’re so mean today!” gasped Emma. Two-week total: 51.

Uh-oh. Michael Waltrip may be having some engine trouble, despite his tremendous porn stache, big gold chains and those stellar finger guns. Okay, so his disco with Witney Carson was no Studio 54 number, but apparently the judges had absolutely no taste for entertaining car wash-themed routines and called this vehicle (and Waltrip) stalled. “You put all the polish on the car bonnet and there was nothing left for the routine,” Bruno bellowed. “None of the movement was actually on time.” But Michael maintained his sense of humor despite the judges’ dearth. “Best outfit I’ve worn,” he said optimistically hrough his hairy upper lip. Michael received a woeful 20 for their disco (incidentally, the same age as partner Witney). Two-week total: 45.

Looks like Jonathan and Michael are neck-and-neck for certain elimination come Week 6. Or maybe they’ll both go home after this week.

What do you think, ballroom fans? Did the glitterverse take away the judges’ happy pills? Are Michael and Jonathan facing certain ballroom demise next week? Was Tony Dovolani’s 2005 audition tape, with his priceless hair, animal-print blouse and chest thrusts the week’s only saving grace?