Good. Nobody asked you anyway. You sat there as I downed deep dish pizzas, deep fried tacos, M&M's right out of the 2-pound bag, soda right out of the 2-liter bottles, Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, and gallons of beer, and you didn't ask for a time out or protest or kick any back. You accepted it and made room for more.
When I was young, stomach, you'd barely let me eat a full slice of pizza. I had to carry Pepto-Bismol in the glove box of my car. In college I'd fill my cafeteria tray with the dorm food, but all I'd end up eating was the Jell-O cuz you'd give me a hard time with anything with any substance.
Are you trying to make me cry? It's not working. In fact, boo hoo, you were thin, you should be thanking me.
I have no problems with any of that. It's after college when you suddenly changed and everything went down smoothly. Extreme Cheetos, fried shrimp, Chinese food from $1 Chinese places in strip malls -- no worries. The skies opened, I could eat anything, and as much as I wanted. And it was delicious.
And I'm to blame, why?
You know, you're not to blame. You just need to be tamed. If you'll hold anything down then I'm gonna fill you up with all those natural things you convinced me you didn't like when I was young.
I hate you.
And like that ice skater said on "Howard Stern" the other day, if I slowly just eat less and less, you'll shrink. And if I keep going to the gym that everyone said I'd never go to, you'll shrink even faster.
First of all, I don't believe you. You're all talk. You've said this before and you just return to your old ways in no time. So you know what, fine, I'll sit here and wait you out. McRibs will be back again soon and you'll crumble.
I may not win all the battles, belly, but I somehow wind up on top in the end.
Whatever, navel gazer.
Food for the day: Granola bar and water for breakfast. Chicken tofu salad for lunch with apple juice. Rushed out to see the Brand X rock show at the Gene Autry Museum and drank a Ranger IPA beer chased down with a Maker's Mark and water. Turkey sandwich and 16 Wheat Thins for dinner. And a glass of grape juice.
Two guys lose weight: The journey
The nighttime is the wrong time to snack
Preparing for the big, cheesy NFC Championship game