"We're carrying out a new strategy in Iraq our military commanders and I have carefully weighed the options. We discussed every possible approach. In the end, I chose this course of action because it provides the best chance for success."
— President George W. Bush, State of the Union address, Jan. 23
"The military calls its new weapon an 'active denial system,' but that's an understatement. It's a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they are about to catch fire . 'This is one of the key technologies for the future,' said Marine Col. Kirk Hymes, director of the nonlethal weapons program at Quantico, Va."
— Associated Press, the next day
To: [redacted]@defenselink.mil,[redacted]@darpa.mil, [redacted]@lanl.gov, [redacted]@llnl.gov, [redacted]@[redacted].[redacted]
Re: Executive Directive on Weapon Development
POTUS very much enjoyed the demonstration today and wanted to thank everyone for their hard work and patriotism. He had some thoughts.
While the ray gun is impressive, POTUS was disappointed that to date it only makes people feel as if they are about to catch fire, and he wants to encourage you to keep working on it until you get it right. He expressed a preference for a ray that turns the target into a glowing red silhouette before making it disintegrate. He also feels the weapon should make a scarier sound.
POTUS was curious about where we are on the invisibility cloak. He pointed out that this was the first project he put into development when he came to the White House and, had it been available earlier, he could have used it to capture SH and OBL personally, saving thousands of lives and the Republican majority. However, he is having second feelings about calling it a cloak, which comes off as evil and French, and has directed that henceforth it be referred to as an invisibility poncho. And he again emphasized that the invisibility poncho be waterproof.
POTUS is frustrated at the continued delays in jet-pack production, a cornerstone in our plan to restore stability to Baghdad. Fix this.
POTUS is also concerned going forward that we continue to consider every possible approach, think outside the envelope, etc. Toward that end, he has designed some weapons systems [see attachment blotter.jpg (1.6 MB)] he feels are pretty cool and provide our best chance for success:
We have smart bombs; why not smart bullets? They could be trained to tell the difference between Shiites or Sunnis and only shoot the right one, depending on the day.
Rather than launching missiles into the air, where they are vulnerable to Chinese lasers and birds, why not launch them into the Earth, where they can travel unseen under the ground to their destination? Such UGLMs could also be equipped with a robotic arm, which, upon reaching the target, extends and electrocutes the bad guys before exploding them.
How hard would it be to mount an automatic machine gun on a gorilla?
We need a time machine, either based on the POTUS La-Z-Boy design or something more scientific, as long as it's done by Friday. POTUS would like to go back and warn himself about something before it's too late. The machine should be set for Dec. 28, 1963. Never mind why.
LARRY DOYLE's first novel, "I Love You, Beth Cooper," will be published in May. BEN DOYLE is 7 years old.Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times