The George and Saddam Show: Stones and Sticks

The first George W. Bush-Saddam Hussein Debate:

President Bush: Mr. Dictator, we know you folks have a mass of destructive weapons, mass weapons of destruction, destructive mass weapons and so forth, and you’d better....

Saddam Hussein: I cannot talk with this man until I am paid my usual speaking fee, in cash.

President: You’ll have to see Cheney on that.

Hussein: In any event, I require an hour before beginning, in order to collect my notes.

President: He’s stalling again. Time is running out, Mr. Saddam. Or is it Mr. Hussein? If you guys can’t get your own names straight, how can we?

Hussein: How do I know that this glass of water is not poisoned? Summon my elite Republican Guard taster!

President: You know, that mustache of yours reminds me of Yosemite Sam.

Hussein: I require a timeout to tie my shoelace.

President: He’s one of my all-time favorite cartoon characters.... Wait a sec! He’s wearing combat boots! Tying that shoelace could take hours! Another deliberate evasion.

Hussein: Combat boots are necessary in case the U.S. tricksters should attempt a hotfoot.

President: I’ll give you a hotfoot.

Hussein: I come in peace and he speaks of hotfeet! My combat boots are a soldier’s footwear. You, with your ridiculous cowboy boots!

President: Genuine Texas cowboy boots. Real alligator skin. You know how much these set me back?

Hussein: Your eyes really are too close together. I had thought that was only the photographs, but no.... Little beady eyes, too close together. How can I debate a beady-eyed man?

President: We wear cowboy boots so we won’t get bit by snakes. That’s appropriate here.

Hussein: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” I turn this old American adage against my opponent.

President: Stones and sticks? Good one! You mean, insults just bounce off, right? Could you go slower and repeat that?

Hussein: I will repeat only that we have no weapons of mass destruction. Some old vacuum cleaner parts, a few Roman candles for my birthday party.

President: It’s clear that we’re getting nowhere, and it’s time for my nap, so....

Hussein: We Iraqis have an old saying, that the camel who sleeps while the jackals are awake is easy prey.

President: Now that’s a fine howdy-do, your bringing prayer into it. You oughta get back to Baghdad pronto and pray your brains out. You’ll need every ....

Hussein: Your threats do not scare Saddam Hussein, beady-eyed bully boy.

President: You want to take this outside?

Hussein: You think you’re tough enough?

President: Just try me, horse face.

Hussein: Better a horse face than a beady-eyed man with eyes too close together, like a marmoset!

President: Marmoset! You hear that? He called me a marmoset! Dick, Rummy, Condi -- what’s a marmoset?

The debate is closed, with no plans for a repeat.