Cuddle Up, Mellow Out

It may be one measure of current tension and concerns that people are turning from their own worried, frayed affairs to focus briefly on other things, like animals. Animals tend not to be terrifying, to go bankrupt or to go to war. How else to explain so many creatures popping up in the news these days?

We had the touching story of Ruby, a 42-year-old elephant being separated from Gia, her elephantine pal of many years in the Los Angeles Zoo. Ruby will go to Tennessee, a state not famous for elephants but where the Knoxville Zoo needs a motherly role model.

The military has a pod of presumably well-trained dolphins to locate underwater mines in war areas.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sued some other people. They thought the California “Happy Cows” cheese ads were false advertising. The judge found it a false issue.

Then there’s Danny, one of those abbreviated Pekingese whose mother found him darling. Recently tiny Danny defeated thousands of other canines for best in show in Britain. A British tabloid alleged that Danny had had a face-lift. Talk about shock and awe. In L.A., of course, all plastic surgery is an opportunity, not a crime. But in the world of dueling dogs, it’s an absolute no-no. Dogs compete just the way nature made them. Except for the stance, the shampoos, powder, perfume, brushing and training. Danny’s people said he merely had a tonsillectomy.

But here’s one animal idea that might not be as strange as it seems. Let’s get teddy bears into the news. Everyone knows of these cuddly stuffed creatures with the wide-open eyes and quizzical mouths who preside so well over so many innocent childhoods. On a 1902 hunting trip a presidential advance man chained a bear to a tree so a stalking Teddy Roosevelt would have something to shoot. In an unmatched public relations triumph, the human Teddy freed the bear. A newspaper cartoonist got an idea. And the rest is bedtime history.

Well, here’s the outrageously naive idea: Put those bears to work on world troubles. Laser-aim millions of them all over. Everybody gets a teddy bear. They’re cheaper than bombs, need no targeting mechanisms and cause widespread collateral cuddling; children, even grown-ups, willingly place themselves within the silent animals’ calming aura.

Think about it: Have you noticed the reaction of youngsters -- and oldsters -- when handed a teddy bear? Have you ever heard a teddy bear talk nasty or cause violent behavior? Or seen anyone turn mean and destructive under the invisible influence of a clutched teddy bear? Just a thought. It would never work, of course.