Has anyone seen my Google glasses?

Dear Google Guys:

I am writing to you because I would very much like to be a Google “Glass Explorer.” I read about your latest venture, Google Glass, on Wednesday on the Internet and, well, I was so excited that I’m rushing to send in my application.

First off, let me just say that I love the Google. My wife and I look up stuff all the time on the Google, and we don’t argue nearly as much now about such things as whether driving to Boston from California takes the same amount of time as driving from California to St. Petersburg, Fla.

And the story said applicants must live in the U.S. and be at least 18 to enter: Bingo on both counts! Plus it said applicants “must pick up the device in person in either San Francisco, New York or Los Angeles so they can attend a special pick-up experience.” I’m good with either San Francisco or Los Angeles (but New York is a hellhole that I refuse to set foot in, so I hope that’s not a deal-breaker). Whatever “special pick-up experience” you have planned is fine by me, as long as it’s over by 9 p.m.

However, I do have a few concerns. The story said you were “taking 50-word Google+ and Twitter applications.” Uh, I’m a little shaky on that tech stuff. So I’m wondering: Would a regular letter with a stamped, self-addressed envelope be OK?

Because the story said you expect successful applicants to “cough up $1,500, plus tax, for their Glass Explorer Editions.” Which I have, of course. Or I will have, as soon as I get my next paycheck. But I’m thinking maybe I could just enclose a check in the application envelope. Don’t worry, it’s drawn on a local bank and has my address and phone number and everything printed right on it.

I was also a bit confused by this part: “Users who apply must include the hashtag #ifihadglass and explain what they’d do with the nifty gadget.”

How do I put this: What, exactly, is a “hashtag”? I know about hashmarks -- I watch a lot of football. And I’m familiar with hash (which my wife and all her mom friends smoked when they were teenagers even though they now tell their teenagers that it’s the devil’s tool). But hashtag? So would it be OK if I just wrote “#ifihadglass” on the envelope, right under your address? Please? ‘Cause I really do want those glasses!

Just a couple more things. Will the Glass Explorer Editions come in bifocals? I have a bit of a problem these days seeing tiny type (less than 14 point), so that would be great. Also, will those big sunglasses that you get at the eye doctor fit over them? And if there are speakers, can you turn them up pretty loud? Although I only really need that for my right ear, so if it’s just the left that has the speaker, I’m good to go.

Oh, gosh, I almost forgot the most important part: “Users … must … explain what they’d do with the nifty gadget.” The story said that “users can record video, translate speech, send messages, perform Google+ Hangouts and get directions.”

Which is exactly what I would do with them, almost. I don’t really need to record video. Also, I never ask for directions, not even from a machine. Plus my wife is really handy with a paper map (she especially likes the way you can turn it in the direction we’re going). And I do hang out, but it’s usually in the garage where my pool table is, so maybe not so much that part.

Now, “translate speech”: Does that mean it would help me figure out what the heck my wife is saying while I’m trying to watch the game? Or would it translate for her when I’m telling her to bring me the socket set from the garage, and she brings me pliers? That would be really helpful.

I’m sorry if this is too long. I was going to have my son tweet if for me, but he said that would take about an hour, and I don’t want to wait that long and miss my chance to be a Glass Explorer.

Please get back to me soon.

Especially since I hear they’re planning on ending Saturday mail delivery.

Yours truly,

Paul

P.S. I see where the glasses will come in charcoal, tangerine, shale, cotton white and sky-blue colors. I would prefer black.

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