NSA missing the profit potential in cellphone tracking program

Well, whaddaya know: “NSA tracking cellphone locations worldwide, Snowden documents show.”

That’s the headline; here’s the meat of the tale: “The National Security Agency is gathering nearly 5 billion records a day on the whereabouts of cellphones around the world … enabling the agency to track the movements of individuals — and map their relationships — in ways that would have been previously unimaginable.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking after reading that. (Besides perhaps changing your mind about Edward Snowden in the traitor vs. hero debate.) You’re wondering: “Can the NSA help me find my kid’s lost iPhone?”

Well, the answer is no. Unless your kid is a terrorist. In which case, you have bigger problems than his lost phone.

You might also be wondering: “I think my spouse is a low-down, lying, cheating you-know-what; can the NSA help me prove it?”

Again, the answer is no. Unless your spouse is, well, you know, a terrorist too (see above).

Now, I’m not one to make light of the NSA and its spy program. I’ve had many a “slippery slope” debate about its perils: Sure, it’s keeping us safe from terrorists, but it’s simultaneously doing away with many of the privacy protections Americans hold so dear.

But I’ll admit it’s getting kinda lonely on that side of the argument. My family and friends don’t want to hear it anymore. If it’s working, what’s the problem, they say?

So I’m moving on — to a new complaint, of course:

Unlike private companies such as Google, which are making gobs of money while they invade our privacy, the government is turning a blind eye to the profit potential in many of its programs. Amazon is gonna use drones to deliver packages, and all our government does with its drone fleet is blow people up?

Frankly, I blame President Obama (and why not; after all, he proved to be worthless as a computer programmer with his HealthCare.gov website, plus his dog knocked down a kid Wednesday at a White House Christmas party).

Somehow, I think if businessman Mitt Romney had won and was in the White House, things would be very different.

Under a Romney administration, I’ll bet the NSA would’ve spared a few folks to track down lost cellphones — for a price, of course. And surely it would’ve formed a little subsidiary that would’ve solved domestic disputes: “OK, Bubba, you said you were working late, but the NSA Cellphone Tracking Agency says you were working overtime at Lulu’s House of Gin and Girls!”

Who knows, it might’ve been forward-thinking enough to form a home protection company: “Tired of those Amazon drones buzzing your neighborhood? Call Predator Abatement Inc., the ultimate in drone security.”

Instead, we’re stuck with Obama.

I guess elections do matter.

ALSO:

Washington’s 5 biggest ‘fails’ of 2013

10 groundbreaking women we lost in 2013

The Australian way to settle America’s fast-food minimum-wage debate

Follow Paul Whitefield on Twitter @PaulWhitefield1 and Google +