McCourts’ latest fight over money is real rich

SAN DIEGO — I swear I’m not giggling as I type this.

But I just talked to Jamie McCourt’s attorney and the Screaming Meanie is upset and she’s not going to take it anymore.

Now tell me you aren’t giggling.

As you know, she’s a loser, Frank paying her $131 million in a divorce settlement while he made off with billions.

Now unless you’ve walked in her Christian Louboutin shoes, there’s probably no way to understand her plight.

But as good as any reality TV show, here we go again, the Screaming Meanie and the Parking Lot Attendant together in court after Jamie files a motion to really get what she deserves.

If only our legal system worked that way.

Jamie believes Frank committed fraud by understating his assets, which he said in documents were less than $300 million, but the old man got away with more than $2 billion.

To prove such an accusation, the Screaming Meanie has asked for all documents related to the Dodgers’ sale between Guggenheim and the Parking Lot Attendant.

This includes the very same details Guggenheim has steadfastly refused to publicly divulge.

“Frank signed a document under the penalty of perjury stating the value of his assets was less than $300 million,” said Bertram Fields, Jamie’s attorney. “But as we understand it now, he received $2.15 billion in addition to retaining 50% ownership in the 276 acres in Chavez Ravine and rental fees from the parking lots.”

Keep in mind it takes a lot of money to run for president; a Dodgers executive’s plans for Jamie running were sidetracked after Jamie’s husband fired her as Dodgers president.

Hillary versus Jamie four years from now with Bill and the chauffeur standing in the wings, and with these people anything is possible.

Unfortunately, I don’t think Guggenheim is going to be thrilled to join Frank & Jamie, the 2008 Los Angeles Business Journal’s power couple of the year, in court — especially if it means revealing Frank’s future role with the Dodgers.

So that would suggest this will end in a financial settlement favoring Jamie.

“Frank is really not a settler,” said Fields. “We’ve already asked for a voluntary adjustment and we got no response.

“So now we’re asking for all the documents, and while I’m sure they won’t be interested in handing them over, it will be up to the judge.”

What judge wouldn’t want the chance to have Magic Johnson in his courtroom, not to mention the photo opportunity with Magic and Jamie both claiming to be the face of the Dodgers.

“We need to know what Frank knew and when he knew it,” Fields said. “[Frank] is getting about 93% of the family assets and Jamie something like 7%. Jamie didn’t want this but we need to know what’s in those documents.”

You would think Jamie would have just picked up the phone and asked her soothsayer, Vladimir Shpunt, what he sees in those documents.

IT APPEARED before the game the Dodgers were running up the white flag in starting Elian Herrera, Matt Treanor, Juan Rivera and Nick Punto.

But A.J. Ellis is worn down and has been ineffective, Mark Ellis is sick, Shane Victorino is battling an injury that won’t allow him to bat right-handed and Andre Ethier is struggling against left-handed pitching.

Forced to make the moves he did, Manager Don Mattingly looked later as if he knew what he was doing. A stretch, I know.

Punto seemed to electrify his dead teammates, going three for four and becoming the first Dodger since Ethier on Aug. 10, 2010, to score four runs in a game.

Punto not only scored the first run of the game, but in what has become a characteristic move, he slid safely head-first into first base while bunting for a hit in the third inning.

Didn’t anyone ever tell Punto he will reach first faster running across the bag?

“You put a swimming pool at the finish line for sprinters and I think they are going to jump into that pool rather than running through the tape,” Punto said, and it would certainly make the finish more exciting.

BEFORE THE win, I was quizzing Mattingly about his benching of Ethier with the Dodgers still mathematically alive.

Mattingly said Ethier hasn’t had much success against San Diego pitcher Clayton Richard, so playing someone else will give the Dodgers the best chance to win.

“But if Either is one of your true-grit, top-of-the-line players, wouldn’t most managers still ride him hard, given the critical nature of this game?”

“Not in this game against this guy,” Mattingly said.

“Who are you playing in his place?” I said.

“Rivera,” Mattingly said.

I make a discouraging face. And say, “OK, so watch Rivera end up getting the big hit in this game. And then you’ll get your big moment in the [postgame news conference] later.”

“Probably not,” Mattingly said.

Before everyone stops laughing, Mattingly attempts to set the record straight. He’s not saying Rivera won’t hit, but Mattingly probably won’t get his minute after the game.

A short time later, Rivera hits a home run and from the dugout Mattingly takes a long look up to the press box.

Apparently, he couldn’t wait for his moment.

SO ERIC Gagne says in a book that 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using performance-enhancing drugs.

At least that explains it. If the Dodgers were more of a team and had been 100% committed to doing what it takes to win, they might have won more than one playoff game in Gagne’s time in L.A.

I’ve got a good feeling none of these Dodgers are on anything unless it’s downers.

t.j.simers@latimes.com