Jackson Won’t Be Phil of the Future

One still flies over this cuckoos’ nest.

Lakerdom today is having a little problem coming to grips with reality as the local heroes plan their rebuilding project (someone has to call it that, even if they won’t) around Phil Jackson.

Everyone really lost it last week when ESPN’s Ric Bucher reported that Jackson was about to meet with Kobe Bryant, which suggested Jackson must be close to taking the job as coach.

It was either that or Jackson just wanted to catch up with Bryant. They hadn’t talked since the release of Jackson’s book, which I believe was titled “The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization: Kobe Did It.”

Bucher is a good reporter, who has gotten more than his share of stories. Nevertheless, five days later, there has been no meeting and no indication that any is planned, amid denials by the Lakers, Jeanie Buss, Bryant’s agent, Rob Pelinka, and Jackson’s agent, Todd Musburger.

Boy, this thing must be really secret!

ESPN has yet to retract the story but may be hedging its bets with Stephen A. Smith saying Larry Brown is the Lakers’ No. 1 choice.

Now, I’m like any other sports fan, I watch ESPN morning, noon and night and I live on their website. But I mean to tell you, they’re tough to compete with.

Since everybody watches, they can say anything, although they have cut back on their habit of slapping one of their staffers’ names on everything that happens and claiming he had it first, such as: “ESPN’s Marc Stein Reports Invention of Wheel.”

They also have a huge stable of experts who fan out and take every conceivable angle so whatever happens, they can take credit for it. I’m actually beside myself with admiration. I’ve used that technique for years, all by myself.

I think they’re currently lining up this way on the Laker coaching story:

Bucher -- Jackson.

Smith -- Brown.

Stein -- Flip Saunders.

Greg Anthony -- Pat Riley.

Tim Legler -- Jerry West.

Mark Jackson -- Magic Johnson.

Chad Ford -- Alexander Gomelsky.

Fred Carter -- Frank Hamblen.

Andy Katz -- NCAA possibilities.

Bill Walton -- John Wooden.

John Saunders -- others.

As the playoffs opened last week, the big story wasn’t Tim Duncan’s comeback, or Shaquille O’Neal’s, but Jackson and Bryant. It was just like old times around here, except without the games. The Lakers may not be what they were, but they’re still the soap opera everyone prefers to real life. Columnists around the nation arose as one and began riffing on Jackson and Bryant.

Unfortunately for the Lakers, all that really happened was that Jackson went to dinner with Jerry Buss, as he had the night before with New York Knick President Isiah Thomas.

The Knicks signaled Jackson gave them a polite turn-off and turned their attention to Saunders and P.J. Carlesimo. The Lakers didn’t signal that anything positive happened.

This has been a long shot all along, or no shot. If Jackson is smart, and he is, he’ll sit out another season to see if he has better options.

You have to remember, Jackson is a connoisseur of options, having never taken an NBA job where he didn’t have Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, or O’Neal and Bryant, in a city smaller than Chicago.

Jackson in Cleveland? Not if they gave it to him.

Jackson is only as far along as wondering if he wants to coach again, and if so, where. He’s open to coming back -- if Buss acts as if he really wants him and pays him something in the $10-million range.

Buss is open to taking him back -- if Jackson acts as if he really wants to come and doesn’t demand something in the $10-million range. As far as Jeanie goes, Buss is probably like any other father. He thinks she can do better.

So they had their big meeting and zip came out of it. Jackson’s people were hoping a big offer would be forthcoming but two days later, Musburger told The Times’ Mike Bresnahan, “Nothing to report. It’s radio silence.”

At this point, after four months of this farce, there’s only one thing I want to know:

What would it take for everyone around here to get the idea this isn’t happening and never was?

The only thing that ever changed was the Lakers’ attitude, going from “no way” to “please come back and save us.”

I’ve got bad news: Jackson can’t save them, either. Anything more than a No. 7 finish and a first-round loss would qualify as a miracle. However, Jackson’s interest level fell off the table as soon as Rudy Tomjanovich fled and it became a real possibility.

On the other hand, there’s a better shot of Jackson showing up here next season than Kevin Garnett, which is one you can hear on local talk radio. The way things are going here, it doesn’t matter if the Lakers make it back or not. Everyone is just going to hallucinate until things are OK.

Let me get this straight: Something that was never more than a remote possibility exploded back into the headlines last week ... after a meeting that never took place ... after which everyone who writes a column got to comment on it?

Hey, works for me!

It’s all very intriguing. I have a personal stake in all this. I can’t wait to find out if I’m nuts or everyone else is.

Faces and Figures

I love this guy: Cleveland’s Dan Gilbert just became the shortest-lived owner to lecture the media, while presenting himself as the victim of a widespread conspiracy. Roasted for leading his Cavaliers out of the playoffs after taking over March 1, Gilbert says his critics are “short-term thinkers and media entertainers posing as journalists. These people want to boost ratings, sell more newspapers or believe the West and East Coast cities are in some way superior to places like Cleveland or Detroit and can’t figure out why anyone would want to stay there.”

Now that’s analysis: TNT’s Charles Barkley, watching San Antonio’s Tony Parker arrive before the playoff opener with girlfriend Eva Longoria of “Desperate Housewives,” noted, “If I had a dollar for every time they showed her tonight, I’d be richer.” Then, after Andre Miller outscored Parker, 31-12, in Denver’s upset win, Barkley said it had been “very weird the way Tony Parker came in today. He was very casual, hugging on his girlfriend a little bit.” Parker then outscored Miller, 19-11, as the Spurs won Game 2. “That’s Tony,” said Coach Gregg Popovich. “After a game where maybe he doesn’t play great, he knows it. He’s a tough kid and a heck of a competitor. I’m proud of the way he came back: No talk. No nothing. Just come back and play.” In the question of the night, TNT host Ernie Johnson asked Barkley, who’s famous for not watching the games, if he had turned off “Kojak” long enough to catch any of this one.

For whatever reason, Orlando General Manager John Weisbrod is pretending Chris Jent, the interim coach who replaced Johnny Davis, is a candidate for next season. Promoted from his role as the fourth assistant, the 35-year-old Jent went 5-13, which was worse than Davis’ 31-33. Jent told the Orlando Sentinel he hasn’t applied for any of the other jobs (Lakers, Knicks, Portland, Cleveland and Minnesota) but will “if the process becomes prolonged or I feel I’m not going to get the job.” Any Laker fans out there up for Chris Jent?

Remember that absurd Carlos Boozer-for-Caron Butler, Devean George and Vlade Divac trade “rumor” over the All-Star break? It looks as though it may have originated with the Boozer camp. On top of Boozer’s struggles and those of the team, Jazz owner Larry Miller acknowledged that Boozer’s wife, CeCe, didn’t like Salt Lake City. “She was concerned about how she felt they had been received, welcomed in the community,” said Miller, “but she has since said, unsolicited, that they’ve settled in and she’s glad they’re here.” There were concerns CeCe’s husband wasn’t crazy about the place, either. On Feb. 10, Miller publicly questioned Boozer’s effort and toughness. On Feb. 14, Boozer went out for the season because of a foot injury. On April 21, the day after the season ended, Boozer said he was sound again. Nevertheless, Miller says all is forgiven. “I don’t have any regrets about him at all,” he said. “From today’s viewpoint, I would say clearly he will be here at least through the term of his contract.”

Bad hair days: Seattle forward Vladimir Radmanovic became the NBA’s first Serbian player to braid his hair, securing them with green and yellow rubber bands. The league is expected to pass a rule outlawing it, or at least to keep SuperSonic games off the air. Said teammate Danny Fortson: “At least he’s not a square.” ... Son of Shaq: Seattle’s 7-0, 300-pound Jerome James awoke from a five-year nap to score 17 points with 15 rebounds in Game 1 against Sacramento. “If he plays like that again, so be it,” said the Kings’ Cuttino Mobley. “I seriously doubt it. Nothing against him. You’re not Shaq.” In the next two games, James scored 41 points with 18 rebounds.