Are players’ long ‘dos don’ts for the Super Bowl?

There’s a catastrophe waiting to happen Sunday, and it’s as obvious as the nose on Larry Fitzgerald’s face.

Actually, it surrounds Fitzgerald’s face like a lovely bouquet. He stuffs it under his helmet for work, but the danger still hangs out.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Super Bowl could be hanging by a dread.

This is the hairiest championship game on record. So many players have dreadlocks, the worldwide audience may think it tuned in to a Rastafarian convention.

From a fashion and freedom standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sure Bob Marley would be thrilled. Unless he bet on Arizona and Fitzgerald were running for the winning touchdown on the game’s final play.

Out of nowhere, a wild man appears. It’s Troy Polamalu. He makes a desperation dive. He gets a handful of hair.

Down goes Fitz.

Up goes the furor.

Arizona fans would look for the nearest tall building to jump from. There would be rioting at Las Vegas sports books. Fitzgerald would immediately join Bill Buckner in the VIP wing of the Goat Hall of Fame.

The Super Bowl has produced it share of inductees. But Scott Norwood didn’t miss that kick because his hair got in his eyes.

Our Doomsday Scenario could easily be avoided, but players must first face the question: What’s more important, making a fashion statement or winning a championship?

“That’s probably the least of my worries,” Arizona running back Tim Hightower said.

Granted, he’s as likely to be tackled by his hair as Montel Williams. But such a thing is not unheard of.

Polamalu was yanked down from behind two years ago after intercepting a pass. The Steelers won, 45-7, so the touchdown he didn’t score wasn’t a big deal. Except on YouTube, where it has had almost 620,000 views.

The play prompted the NFL to consider requiring players to stuff all their hair under their helmets. The move was shelved, but it reignited a debate that’s been around since Delilah tackled Samson.

Long hair: a right or a privilege?

It’s unquestionably a right, unless it interferes with your work. That’s why millions of people wear hairnets. And all they’re doing is protecting you from finding a hair in your Big Mac.

Imagine finding a hair in your Super Bowl. Is it worth the risk to America’s mental health?

“It’s the fashion,” Pittsburgh safety Tyrone Carter said. “In today’s society, everybody’s growing locks.” But not everybody’s livelihood is based on grabbing people by the legs, arms or whatever else you can get your hands on.

Any time the Dreadlock Police come knocking, so does race. But this isn’t a color issue. If Ben Roethlisberger showed up Sunday looking like Alice Cooper, it would raise the hair on the back of Steelers fans’ necks.

Terry Bradshaw didn’t have long hair. Come to think of it, Terry Bradshaw didn’t have short hair.

When you think football, you think Johnny Unitas, Dick Butkus, Derrick Brooks. None of whom was ever mistaken for the guys from Milli Vanilli.

Football players just aren’t supposed to look like Rapunzel. Arizona assistant Russ Grimm was not one of the brothers who came up with that tale. But here’s where the issue gets a little complicated.

Fitzgerald is one of the NFL’s most physical receivers. Polamalu is a human atom smasher. And the last thing either can be accused of is being an attention craver.

So why do the NFL’s most humble superstars have the sport’s most showy locks?

“I do it for all bald men over 40,” Polamalu said.

As much as we Hair Club members appreciate that, he was joking. Polamalu’s hair comes from his heritage and the Samoan warrior tradition.

Fitzgerald wants to honor his mother, who died of cancer in 2003. She had long hair, and every time he looks in the mirror he’s reminded of her.

“I’ve had my hair since coming into the league,” Fitzgerald said. “It’s me.” It wish he said he did it to impress the ladies. That way I could rip him for putting his hair above his team.

I still think Fitzgerald could stuff his ‘do under his helmet for three hours a week. He wouldn’t even have to do it every week. Just do it this week.

As remote as the possibility is, I’d hate to see him catch that final pass, bolt up the sideline and be yanked down just short of victory.

We’d all be pulling our hair out.

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dwhitley@orlandosentinel.com.