As I sat down to write this piece about the UCLA-USC rivalry from the UCLA perspective, I was given word that the L.A. Times had not yet found anyone from USC to write on their behalf. This led me to two natural conclusions. The first: the USC population could be afraid of their chances on Saturday. The second: The Times might have had a hard time finding a USC graduate that actually knows how to spell and form sentences and stuff like that. More than likely it's a combination of the two.
Of course, I'm kidding. USC has a great football team that is very competitive. And I'm sure that the L.A. Times could find at least five graduates who know how to spell and form sentences (they probably learned in high school).
Of course, I'm kidding. What I said first was correct: USC probably does not have a single current or former student that knows how to spell or write.
Of course, I'm kidding. USC has an incredibly proud sports tradition. And many smart and gifted people have walked that campus -- including one of my comedy heroes, Will Ferrell. It's a shame that he doesn't know how to read or write or do even the most remedial math. Ask him! You'll see. He's very honest about it.
Of course, I'm kidding. That's what's so fun about this rivalry -- under the seething hatred and malicious jokes, there is an intense respect. It is essential to respect your enemies. And I have a very deep, honest respect for USC. And that's something I'm not kidding about.
Look, who knows what will happen come Saturday. But one thing is for sure: at the end of the day, no matter who wins on the field, the UCLA fans will carpool home in their Honda Civic Hybrids and USC fans will caravan in their Hummers with those dumb license plates that say that UCLA students will work for them someday. One team will celebrate and the other will stew for a few months until they get another crack at each other on the basketball court.
I love hating USC. It's what I was raised to do. Don't hate me for it, USC. Or maybe I should spell it in a way that makes sense to your tiny little USC brains:
Don't hat me.
Of course, I'm kidding.
Will Forte, a Saturday Night Live cast member from 2002 to 2010, currently co-stars in the critically acclaimed film "Nebraska".