A CHRISTMAS LIST FOR THE NAUGHTY AND NICE

Dear Santa,

As you know, I have been a good boy this season--no snide reviews or cheap shots--and deserve to be rewarded. So here is my Christmas list.

--For Don Johnson, the magnetic Sonny Crockett of NBC’s “Miami Vice”: Three cheers for quitting smoking.

Johnson’s smoking had posed a double standard on “Miami Vice.” Even as the hit cop series was attacking cocaine, Johnson was glorifying society’s most lethal drug--tobacco--by continually smoking on screen.

You can credit the old Johnson with making smoking seem sexy and glamorous, seductively rolling each cigarette across his lips, helping perpetuate the myth that lighting up is cool instead of deadly. Now you can credit the new Johnson with demonstrating that Americans can be just as cool without a cigarette between their lips.

--For America’s favorite and cutest sex therapist, broadcasting’s very own Dr. Ruth Westheimer: a sense of proportion--and a little less ambition.

All in the interest of “good sex,” giggling Dr. Ruth has a syndicated radio call-in program, a talk/call-in show on Lifetime cable, regular gigs on “The David Letterman Show” and makes numerous guest appearances on other TV programs. She has published a sex guide and is planning a video, is a TV spokeswoman for LifeStyles condoms and is interviewed in the current Playboy magazine.

But this, this is going too far.

Dr. Ruth now has a game on the market, “Dr. Ruth’s Game of Good Sex,” in which participating couples move their pieces around a board to accumulate “arousal points.” They also must answer such questions as, “True or false: the word orgy comes from the Japanese word origami , meaning a folding into beautiful shapes.”

There on the box is a picture of an ecstatic Dr. Ruth exclaiming: “Ter-r-rific!” Is she referring to the sex, the game or the sales? What’s next for the Munchkin of sex advice, a line of tennis shoes? Or maybe a Dr. Ruth candy bar?

The cost is about $25. For that kind of money, you could do better taking your chances on Sunset Boulevard.

--For Frank Broyles, University of Arkansas athletic director and ABC Sports commentator: better sense, period.

Broyles announced that the Arkansas football team’s linebackers would be ineligible for the Dick Butkus award--given to the nation’s best collegiate linebacker-- because Butkus makes beer commercials.

Broyles said that he wasn’t judging Butkus, a former All-Pro linebacker with the Chicago Bears, but that “we are faced with a drug and alcohol problem on the university level and we feel someone must make a statement.”

When Sports Illustrated magazine reminded Broyles that the ABC college football telecasts that he participates in are supported in large part by beer ads, Broyles replied that he had no veto power over the ads on ABC.

But Sports Illustrated noted that the Arkansas linebackers had no say in choosing the namesake for the Butkus award either.

Broyles is usually a straight shooter who does a fine job as a commentator on ABC, but this time he shot himself in the foot.

In addition to making beer commercials, by the way, the hard-working Butkus also makes TV commercials for Sports Illustrated, yes, the same magazine that sprang to his defense.

--For David Letterman: an earlier time slot on NBC so that I can watch TV’s funniest man on TV’s funniest show without risking oversleeping in the morning.

--For U.S. Olympic gold medalists Steve Lundquist and Mary Lou Retton: careers out of television.

Swimmer Lundquist is a fish on a limb as a sportswriter on the NBC daytime soap “Search for Tomorrow.” When he opens his mouth to speak, you get bubbles. The man is really bad. Does every star jock have to try acting? Why don’t these people ever want to be dentists or accountants?

I can see Retton, meanwhile, as a horror movie (“The Teeth That Wouldn’t Go Away”). She already has a book out, “Mary Lou: Creating an Olympic Champion,” although a more accurate title would be “Mary Lou: Creating an Olympic Bankroll.” She’s gone from selling Wheaties on TV to selling batteries, and it’s probably only a matter of time until she’s signed to anchor “The CBS Morning News.” But would she take the pay cut?

--For yours truly: no more weeks like last week. Pu leeeeeeze!!! In one 24-hour period, I managed to misspell the name of NBC Sports executive producer Mike Weisman and change the names of Muppets creator Jim Henson (to Bob) and “The Six Million Dollar Man” (to “The Bionic Man”). It was not a $6-million performance.

--For Howard Cosell: a deep hole to crawl into or an uninhabited island in the Pacific where he can sit alone with a mirror and communicate with the only person he can tolerate.

Himself.