Moe-ping Around in History

Doug Moe is a leader of men. As such, it is his duty to inspire, motivate, beseech, inflame, direct, manipulate--do whatever he has to do to get his troops ready on the eve of battle.

Instead, here is what the coach of the Denver Nuggets had to say about his forces the night before they took the floor against the enemy Lakers.

“Beat the Lakers? Are you kidding? With this bunch? Have you seen them? Have you ever seen any team play any softer? You don’t believe this is a real series, do you? Are our chances minuscule? Our chances are zero!

“I’m surprised the league permits this. Can we beat these guys? Where have you been all season? You and I could beat this team of mine. You don’t need the Lakers. The Lakers’ll beat us, then they’ll beat whoever they play next, then they’ll beat whoever they play next. Unless we make them overconfident.”

There you have it. Words to live by. Just before the battle, Mother, a few words from the general.

It sets you to wondering. Suppose some famous leaders of history had adopted the Doug Moe theory of getting the troops up for the game? What would the story of our times have been if the following had happened on the eves of great moments in history?

Col. George Custer the night before Little Big Horn: “OK, listen up, men! Put away the fifes and drums. Never mind ‘The Girl I Left Behind Me.’ We’re going right back. We’re getting the hell out of here. I just got word from our scouts that they never saw so damn many Indians in their whole lives. And if you think they’re friendly, just wait till you try combing your hair. Why don’t we just ask them to the company dance instead? And what do we want with Montana anyway? Just yesterday, I said to the chief of staff ‘Dammit! I thought you said Florida!’ ”

Gen. George Washington at Valley Forge: “OK, that’s it! Operation Frostbite is over. What is this, a war or an ice carnival? How can you win a war when all you’ve got to eat is snow? These guys are frozen so stiff, if the sun ever came out, they’d be a puddle. I don’t know about the rest of you guys but I’m going to Philadelphia to get warm. You go cross the Delaware in a rowboat!”

Capt. John Paul Jones on the eve of the attack on the British frigate Serapis: “I have not yet begun to fight. That’s because I don’t have anything to fight with, but these lily livered scum from a Liverpool waterfront. Call them sailors? They couldn’t sail a rubber duck across a bathtub. I have not yet begun to fight and I don’t intend ever to begin till they send me something to fight with, not this crew of blacklegged scoundrels and wastrels!”

The Duke of Wellington at Waterloo: “What’s that? Bonaparte’s escaped? Well, that’s torn it! We’re in for it now. Tell Blucher I’m getting outta here. Let him try to stop Napoleon. He won’t do it. Napoleon will go all the way. He’d beat us and then the next guys and then the next. I just hope he can’t get across the Channel. What’s the French word for surrender? “

President Lincoln after Fort Sumter: “They what?! They seceded! Well, there goes the Union. Declare war on them? Are you serious? Lee and Jackson and that front line? Those Rebs will be in Washington in an hour. I don’t know about you but I don’t hanker to swing on the end of a Confederate rope. How about if we just give them Pennsylvania? Throw in Delaware if you have to. I’m just trying to cut my losses here. Tell Gen. Grant that I appreciate his confidence but confidentially, he’s crazy. He’ll never take Richmond.”

Marshal Foch at the Marne: “You want me to say ‘They shall not pass!’? What are you, nuts? They’ll pass, all right. Right into Paris. The Boches will be on the Champs by nightfall. What am I going to stop them with--taxicabs?”

Gen. George Patton on the eve of crossing the Rhine: “All right, you pansied pathetic imitations of soldiers, you can tell your grandchildren you spent the war shoveling manure in one of Adolf’s prison camps. Because that’s where you’re going to be. Those Krauts are going to whip your butts tomorrow! And you know something, I don’t care! Those guys are soldiers! You guys are a bunch of Popsicle-eating, milk-drinking store clerks. Why, the Russkies will be in Berlin throwing each other up in the air in blankets and dancing sitting down before you guys get through styling your hair! I slapped the wrong guy!”

John Wayne to his horse soldiers on patrol: “All right, pilgrims, back to the fort and under the bed! If you think I’m going out there to take on Geronimo with a bunch of chorus boys, you got the wrong scout. See those smoke signals out there? One of ‘em says ‘Ha! Ha! Ha!’ and the other one says ‘I got the one with the yellow hair.’ The last one says ‘Victory party tomorrow night at Fort Apache--admission by fresh scalp only.’ Adios, amigos! I’m headin’ on out. I’m riding off into the sunset on Ol’ Paint. See you around the fort! Oh, and don’t bother to get any haircuts.”

Of course, there’s still time to use Doug Moe today. We could make him secretary of state. He’d be perfect.