Waking Up to the Reality of ‘Dream Lovers’: There Really Aren’t Any
He is the very essence of manhood. The perfect mate. Your dream lover. But wait. There’s more to him than meets the eye.
Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a prominent New York psychologist and adjunct professor at New York University, says there are four types of dream lovers:
The Mystery Man. The Intellectual. The Powermonger. And the Operator.
“These men are figments of a woman’s imagination,” explains the author of “How to Love a Nice Guy.”
“He seems to embody all the qualities you are seeking; he can fix it, take care of you, stimulate you.”
But he is, alas, an illusion.
“Landing a dream guy doesn’t mean your dreams will come true,” Kuriansky warns. He will appear to be perfect at first, she says, but when it comes to meeting your real--not fantasized--romantic needs, he will invariably be lacking.
“The Mystery Man” works fast, is charming, a good conversationalist, intense, even hypnotic. Start talking about skiing and before you can say “stem turn” he has invited you for a weekend in Aspen.
It feels good being enveloped by him--at first. But as soon as you are dreaming of white picket fences, his interest wanes.
“This man is easily distracted,” Kuriansky says. “Often a woman will invent complex fantasies about what might be bothering him--work pressures, ex-wife problems.”
Dates become less frequent, then he stops calling. When exasperated, you break down and call him, hoping for an explanation. But you get his answering machine instead. Or worse, a disconnected number.
“The Intellectual” often attracts a woman who secretly believes she isn’t very smart. “He has a kind of rumpled, academic sexiness, but is self-absorbed and noncommunicative and frequently treats a woman as if she isn’t there.”
“The Powermonger” wants control of your life. He finds a perfect foil in the woman who is weary of pulling in the reins on her life. “He puts her at ease immediately,” Kuriansky says. “He’s reassuring, he takes the lead. Soon he’s not only helping her with her problem, he’s choreographing her fashion choices.”
“The Operator” gives a woman the chance to feel powerful. “He is a leech, a gigolo, a hanger-on,” the psychologist says. He is often charming and on the verge of “making it big.”
Meanwhile, he borrows your Mercedes.
“Dreams offer enticing visions of not only what we want in someone else but of who we, often unconsciously, want to be,” Kuriansky contends. “As you head toward a new vision of yourself, you gain a clearer sense of the man you’ll be happy with.”