Searching for Greatest Ecstasy? Look to Mate, Partner

A new book by a low-key New Orleans sex therapist proclaims that the greatest sexual ecstasy comes not from a fling with a Cosmo cover girl, but with your spouse or current partner.

In his book, “Constructing the Sexual Crucible” (W. W. Norton, $39.95), Dr. David Schnarch coined the term “wall-socket sex” to explain the electrifying sexual connection that can be reached by two people in a close, intimate relationship.

Since AIDS, monogamy has suddenly become more desirable. But just because people forgo extramarital affairs because of AIDS doesn’t mean that marriages will be more exciting, Schnarch says.

Many married couples stray not because they really want firmer flesh or a more handsome face, Schnarch says. They stray because they’re scared to reach their sexual potential within the overwhelming intimacy of marriage.

They are scared, he says, to be truly seen by another.

“If you take a look at the normal way people have sex, with their eyes closed, it’s living proof that sex is not intimate,” Schnarch says. “Most of us close our eyes, focus on orgasm and tune our partner out.”

Closing your eyes in order not to see or be seen stems from the strange paradox of being afraid to show your “wild” side to someone who means so much to you--your spouse, he says.

“The real problem is that people, male or female, can’t crank loose their eroticism with the person they marry, period,” Schnarch writes.

“Intensely intimate marital sex takes effort. Effort in intense sex doesn’t feel like work; in mediocre sex it does. Intense sex and profound intimacy take more effort than people want to invest. It takes a lot of work to grow enough to tolerate intense intimacy and eroticism.”

Schnarch’s 584-page book, a mix of dense clinical prose and case studies, is unlike much pop psychology that promises quick fixes to marital and sexual problems.

“People have boring, monotonous sex because intense sex and intimacy (and change itself) are more threatening than many people realize,” Schnarch says.

Work past those fears, says Schnarch, and you’ll experience “wall-socket sex.”