ORANGE COUNTY VOICES : Everyday Dads Offer Hope for Society : Families: The vast majority of fathers are hard-working, loving parents. That love is a largely untapped community resource in great supply.

A major transformation in the role of fathers is underway, promising answers for the massive societal challenges of broken families, hopeless youth, and even violence.

This change also provides much needed love and support for children and moms, and is very rewarding for us dads.

The evidence is emerging all around us:

* The neighbor who works two jobs to make ends meet and is never too tired for his children. The friend, a single father, who spends all his extra time rebuilding sports cars with his two sons. Our focus on the worst--abusive, absent and deadbeat dads--has concealed the best among us, but they are easy to find if we look.

* Orange County’s recently reaffirmed gang truce. It was organized by a dad--an elder gang leader--who wanted a better life for his young son. The picture of this dad holding his child on his lap while shaking hands with his former enemies says legions about the powerful force within a father’s love.

* The many men, for whom fatherhood is imminent, who attend Boot Camp for New Dads at Irvine Medical Center to learn about caring for new babies and new moms. And especially their confidence and pride when they return with their babies to show the next group of men the ropes, and share their thoughts on the great challenges of fatherhood.

Our fathers were relegated to the role of breadwinner away from the home, and disciplinarian (Wait until your father gets home!) when around. For many, these thankless tasks were a recipe for distant relationships and ultimately disengagement.

Our fathers were expected to focus their energy and long hours on developing careers as their children grew up, and in this respect they were robbed. (My father was not allowed to witness the births of any of his 13 children.)

Societal changes have now opened broad opportunities for real relationships between dads and our children, and today’s dads are delighted. Little can compare to a child’s love and smile, to your baby falling asleep in your arms, comforting a daughter scared by a nightmare, or a son’s thanks for help with homework, soccer or a go-cart.

No matter what happens in the rest of one’s life, a dad can always be a hero to his children.

We accept our responsibilities, and while at times feel woefully inadequate, there is no one else to do our job and so we keep at it. We have discovered that the joy of being loved by our children and the pride from meeting the challenges of parenting returns a great deal more than we invest in time and effort. Those dads who measure our progress in terms of diapers and dishes miss the point and are bound to be disappointed. We know that when our children are grown, most of all, they need the security of knowing their father loved them and did his best for them.

The recognition that fathers are very important, beyond our value as a paycheck, clearly has major implications for our families and communities. We need to encourage this transformation of fathers with more than ads featuring bare-chested men holding babies.

Last Father’s Day, The Times made a good start. This opportunity to bash deadbeat dads was relinquished in favor of a positive approach--a story about a network of fathers doing their best to raise their disabled children.

Next Father’s Day, let’s also forgo the trite recognition of celebrity fathers (whose children were often raised by nannies) and honor real dads.

Everyday dads don’t get the press, but they are delivering and reflect the best in all of us. They also represent the vast majority of dads, who are hard-working, dedicated to their families and have a great desire to be all they can be for their children. The more we focus on them, the more that will emerge, and we all will benefit.

The immense problem of children without real dads will require a constructive approach that builds upon our strengths. While aggressively squeezing child support out of “deadbeat” fathers is now in vogue, we should recognize this is largely an act of political grandstanding and revenge rather than one likely to produce real results.

A major strength, demonstrated in the innovative Boot Camp for New Dads program, is a father’s innate drive to provide for, protect and love his child. We have also found that a strong sense of solidarity develops between dads helping each other, and individually they take great pride in their developing capabilities as fathers.

This program needs to be expanded to provide opportunities for more new dads to hit the ground “crawling.”

Our gang truce demonstrated the strength of a father’s love, a largely untapped community resource in great supply. We need to build this powerful force with approaches to troubled communities that appeal to fathers’ instincts to protect and provide.

As individuals, we need to pay attention to fathers by simply asking them about their children. You will often be surprised by the depth of feeling and insight dads bring to parenting. The bottom line is that to the extent fathers are a problem, everyday dads are the solution. They deserve our recognition and support.