Resting Their Case, or Just Being Defensive

Larry Bickmann of Woodland Hills writes: Recently you had an article that state d all the stupid things people do while driving their cars. We have all seen people reading, applying makeup, having lunch . . . .

I thought that the only instrument that could be played as you were driving was the drums (I’ve seen people banging away at the steering wheel with drumsticks and they weren’t chicken), but to my disbelief I saw a guy in a burgundy Z who was playing the harmonica with two hands as he drove 65 m . p . h . in the fast lane. Unbelievable isn’t it?

It’s nice to get mail.

Even when it’s meant for someone else. As I have already informed Larry Bickmann, he really meant to write Hugo Martin, major-domo of the Valley Edition’s Monday “Street Smart” column. It’s Hugo’s job to answer arcane traffic questions and collect bizarre roadway sightings.

My job is easier. I’m the guy who bashes lawyers.

Indeed, the mailman has been very busy lately delivering mail about the embattled legal profession, so much so that I was suspicious that Larry Bickmann might be a barrister with a taste for subtle pranks.

“So, what line are you in?” I asked, kind of casual like.

“We serve subpoenas,” Larry replied.

A coincidence?

Or--dare I say it--a conspiracy?

Surely one of those lawyerly envelopes was notifying me that I was the target of a class-action libel suit. “Freeman, Freeman & Smiley, a partnership of law corporations,” read the return address on one.

With trepidation, I removed the letter.

Barbara J. Bailey of Los Angeles writes:

I read your entertaining story on the Queen for a Day group. . . . I wonder if the group is aware that on one of the radio shows, I believe in 1947, there were children on the program, rather than adults. . . . I was one of girls on the program, but was not selected. . . . I did, however, receive a wonderful new two-wheeled bicycle (with training wheels) for my efforts. Somewhere I have a picture of the three of us, with the winner in her cap and crown. . . .

Perhaps I should just say thanks, Barbara, and leave it at that. But the fact remains that this letter originated from a law firm. Makes you wonder. Is niceness part of the attorneys’ strategy? Are they trying to make me lower my defenses?

Come to think of it, I’m still not sure what to make of that friendly but mysterious phone call I received July 15 when the first lawyer-bashing column ran. I don’t remember her name, but she claimed to have stopped reading halfway through to object to my labeling of Shakespeare as a “lawyer-basher.”

She pointed out that the Bard’s oft-quoted line--”The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”--is uttered by a scoundrel in “Henry IV.”

My response was the “So what?” argument. When I suggested that authors may use any character to express their own subversive ideas, the caller accused me of “being defensive.”

“Am not!” I said.

Funny, but I’m still not sure whether she was calling to defend the legal profession or to demand more rigorous standards in the use of literary allusions.

And she hung up before I could ask: “So, what line are you in?”

*

Maybe I’m sounding defensive because of fears I’ll become a defendant.

You won’t be surprised to learn that most mail concerning the legal profession came from readers telling me about their unpleasant experiences with barristers and the State Bar disciplinary system. A few lawyers also have written or called. It’s heartening to know that some lawyers oppose Assembly Speaker Willie Brown’s efforts to weaken the State Bar’s disciplinary measures.

One anonymous letter suggested the obvious--that lawyers, as a group, are made scapegoats for the deeds of unethical clients as well.

Normally, it’s considered journalistically irresponsible to publish anonymous letters. But what the heck.

“An ethical attorney sick of lawyer bashing” writes:

Every profession has ‘bad apples’ including your own. . . . Maybe it would be in everyone’s best interest if you devoted as much time to informing people about all the ‘unethical’ and greedy citizens of our society who lie to their attorneys and file frivolous lawsuits to get something for nothing.

Even if one of the many ethical attorneys discovers his/her client is in fact lying, sometimes he/she is not able to withdraw. In fact, the ethical lawyer will even get sued by the unethical client for malpractice, when the unethical client gets his/her hand caught in the cookie jar. . . .

Instead of trashing our disciplinary system (at least we have one that is trying) maybe you should ask your readers why so many of them or people they know try to get someth i ng for nothing by filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Well, I doubt that the mastermind of an insurance fraud ring will write and tell us all about it. Then again, maybe somebody who rejected overtures to participate in such a scam might be willing to share their story.

And, please, write to me--not Hugo.